May 9, 2008 at 6:41 pm (Fun For The Day, Totally Random) (, , )

A chemist walks into a pharmacy and says, “Do you have any acetylsalicylic acid?” The pharmacist asks, “You mean aspirin?” “That’s it, I can never remember the word.”

“Doctor, there is a man here who thinks he’s invisible.” The doctor says, “Tell him I can’t see him!”

There are only two things that are certain in this life – Death and Taxes. Unless you are wealthy – then there are Monaco and Cryogenics. (thanks to Omz)

There was a girl I dated in high school whose name was Becky, but everyone called her “Lincoln” because all the guys took a shot at her in the balcony.

Why isn’t palindrome spelled the same way backwards?

A man accidentally cut off all of his fingers with a saw. The doctor said, “Thank goodness for microsurgery. Give me the fingers, and I’ll sew them back on!” The man said, “I couldn’t pick them up!”

I’m a pessimistic optimist. I expect the worst – that way things can only get better. (thanks to Rickster)

I’m right 98% of the time. Who cares about the other 3%? (thanks to Chris)

Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics. (thanks to Chris)

Ninety two percent of cross-eyed teachers have difficulty controlling their pupils. (thanks to Donna Reade)

I tried to build a dog house, but I only had enough dogs to build 3 walls. (thanks to Bennett)

How do you write zero in Roman numerals? (thanks to Evets)

If blind people wear dark glasses, why don’t deaf people wear earmuffs? (thanks to Evets)

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra? (thanks to Evets)

I got tired of treasure hunting, so I sat down on a big chest on top of a giant “X”. (thanks to Kyle)

How many weeks are there in a light year? (thanks to Evets)

A policeman pulled me over and said, “Do you know why I pulled you over?” I said, “You should really ask a psychic!” (thanks to Nguyen Matos)

Light travels faster than sound, that’s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. (thanks to Evets)

How does a bass player make his car go faster? He takes the Domino’s Pizza sign off the top. (thanks to Jen’fer)

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out. (thanks to Evets)

The things that come to those who wait are actually the things that were left by those who got there first! (thanks to Evets)

Can bald people get a hairline fracture? (thanks to Charley)

Mistakes are made from time to time. Without them, some of us would have never been born! (thanks to Levi)

If you get mono twice, isn’t that stereo? (thanks to Charley)

“Doctor, I have a memory problem!” The doctor says, “When did it start?” “When did what start?”

My frosted flakes melted in the summer. (thanks to Nguyen Matos)

I slept through the alarm this morning. Good thing it was only a small fire. (thanks to Charley)

A cheetah clone was found slain at the city zoo. Police suspect a copycat killer. (thanks to Gary)

I know what people are thinking as soon as I tell them that I’m psyhic. (thanks to Hop)

If we ever figure out how to preserve people, we’ll really be in a jam. (thanks to Hop)

Doctor: “I have good news and bad news.” Patient: “What’s the good news?” Doctor: “You have 24 hours to live.” Patient: “What’s the bad news?” Doctor: “I should have called you yesterday!” (thanks to Sarah)

If you’re on a cruise, you’re with newlyweds, over-feds and nearly deads! (thanks to Jaime)

How many men does it take to open a beer? None, it should be open when she brings it to you. (thanks to Shane)

Patient: “Doc, you have to help me. Some days I think I’m Mickey Mouse, some days I think I’m Donald Duck” Doctor: “How long have you had these Disney spells?”

I’m a big sports fan. I keep the athletes cool while they’re playing. (thanks to Kyle)

Did you hear about the two maggots making love in dead Earnest? (thanks to PapaDog65)

Are crop circles the work of a cereal killer? (thanks to Evets)

Another way to say “water” is H2O. It sounds fancy, but it’s just h, i, j, k, l, m, n and o. (thanks to Charlie Mickle)

If vampires have no reflection, how do they have such neat hair? (thanks to Evets)

I have three beautiful children. I have four children, but only three are beautiful. (thanks to Victor)

My friend is dieting. He says weight gain is due to water retention. My weight gain is due to ice cream retention. (thanks to Charley)

Donald Rumsfeld briefed President Bush this morning. He told Bush that three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq today. The color ran from Bush’s face, and he was visibly shaken. Bush composed himself and asked Rumsfeld, “Just exactly how many is a brazillion?” (thanks to George C)

Poland’s worst air disaster occurred today when a small two-seat Cessna crashed into a cemetery. Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 826 bodies so far and expect that number to increase as digging continues into the night. (thanks to Jim Johnson)

It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in laboratory rats. (thanks to Evets)

How do you fix a woman’s watch? You don’t, there is a clock on the oven. (thanks to Shane)

“Doctor, I think I’m a bell.” The doctor says, “Take these pills, if they don’t work, give me a ring.”

Two fish are in a tank. One says the other, “How do you drive this thing?” (thanks to Gary)

My car’s brakes aren’t working, so I bought an anchor. (thanks to Kyle)

A cemetery raised its costs, but blamed it on the cost of living. (thanks to Evets)

I saw a homeless person getting off a bus, and I thought, “How does he know which stop is his?” (thanks to Charley)

I’m determined to only have three kids because I have heard that one out of every four kids born in the world is Chinese.

The last thing I need to worry about is my anxiety disorder. (thanks to Patrick)

A man was examined at a hospital and was awaiting the results. The doctor comes in and says, “I have bad news. You’re going to die in 10.” The panic-striken man says, “10 what? Years? Months? Weeks?” The doctor says, “9 – 8 – 7 – 6….” (thanks to Ben)

I may look stupid, but it’s hereditary. (thanks to Gregory Sawler)

My new workout plan is working! I’m benching 310 now. Or maybe 3:15 – whenever the weights are free. (thanks to Charley)

“Did your deaf aunt make it to her hearing?” “No, she was impaired!” (thanks to Kevin Beaudoin)

Last time my wife gave me a foot massage, my back ended up smelling funny. (thanks to Charley)

I woke up this morning and felt so bad that I tried to kill myself by taking 1,000 aspirin. After the first two, I felt better!

Are children who act in R-rated movies allowed to see them? (thanks to Shane)

Police recently arrested a man who was selling pills that would give you eternal youth. Police discovered that it was the fourth time this man was arrested. The earlier arrests were made in 1799, 1852 and 1921. (thanks to LarryNewParts)

How do they get the “Keep off the grass” sign on the grass? (thanks to Victor)

Silence is golden, but duct tape is silver. (thanks to Travis)

When French people swear, do they say “Pardon my English”? (thanks to Shane)

“Doctor, I think I’m a deck of cards!” The doctor says, “Sit in the waiting room, I’ll deal with you later.”

I ran five miles today. Finally, I had to say, “OK Lady, here’s your purse back.” (thanks to Charley)

A buddhist monk walks up to a hot dog vendor and asks, “Make me one with everything!” (thanks to Steve)

Overweight is something that just snacks up on you. (thanks to Cid)

Doctor to patient: “I’d tell you what your condition is, but I’m not sure how to pronounce it!”

When someone hits you in the face, turn the other cheek. That way the swelling is even! (thanks to Charley)

I went to a ballet once. I couldn’t even tell who won. (thanks to LarryNewParts)

There are 3 essential tools: duct tape, WD40 and a hammer. If something is moving and it shouldn’t be, duct tape it. If it isn’t moving and it should be, use WD40. If it still doesn’t move, hit it with a hammer. If it breaks, tape it back together with the duct tape.

Patient: “Doctor, something is wrong! I’m shrinking!” Doctor: “Now, now – you’ll have to be a little patient!”

I went to Wal-Mart to get a wall, but they were all out. (thanks to Schmidty)

A little boy examines his privates while in the bath. “Mommy, are these my brains?” His mother says, “Not yet.” (thanks to Scott Rogers)

Saturn is the richest planet, you can tell by all the rings. (thanks to Schmidty)

I joined a secret club; the guy at the door asked me, “What’s the password?” I told him, “Aren’t you supposed to know that?” (thanks to Kyle)

How can you tell which bottle has the PMS medicine? It’s the one with the teeth marks. (thanks to Victor)

Life begins when you’re born, and ends with an E. (thanks to Kyle)

I had to catch a train, so I got a really big mitt. (thanks to Kyle)

I have a Master’s Degree in Engineering. I told the owner I’ll return in in two days. (thanks to Kyle)

Willie Nelson got hit by a car yesterday. He was playing “On the Road Again”. (thanks to Jessica)

Two buckets of vomit were walking down the street. One says to the other, “That’s where I was brought up!” (thanks to Piemann)

How do you get Keith Richards out of a tree? Ask him for his autograph. (thanks to Ward)

How do you find an Irish pirate? He’s the one with patches over both eyes. (thanks to James)

A woman discovers an intruder in the kitchen eating the leftover steak and kidney pie. The husband asks, “Should I call the police or an ambulance?” (thanks to James)

Did you hear about the doctor who fell into a well? He learned to tend to the sick, and leave the well alone!

What does Snoop Dogg use to color his hair? Ble-Otch. (thanks to Madge)

Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? Fo’ drizzle. (thanks to Gary)

A man waited two months to have an appointment with his doctor. The doctor says, “I wish you had seen me sooner!”

Have you heard that priests can kiss the nuns now? It’s okay as long as they don’t get in the habit. (thanks to Shar)

What sound does a cat make when it’s on fire? Whooosh! (thanks to Jake M.)

What’s big, gray and can’t climb trees? A parking lot. (thanks to Mike O’Rourke)

Did you hear about the man who fell into the reupholstery machine? He’s fully recovered now.

I sat in line at the drive through window. The plump employee opens the window and says, “Sorry about the weight!” (thanks to Gregory Sawler)

My wife and I were told we couldn’t have children – by our landlord.

To work at Starbucks, should you have graduated Magna Cum Latte? (thanks to Charley)

Man: “Doctor, I think I’m a dog.” Psychiatrist: “Mmmm. Interesting. Please lie down on the couch.” Man: “I’m not allowed on the couch!”

I videotape my children a lot – because I think they’re stealing from us.

Never moon a werewolf. (thanks to LarryNewParts)

You really have to hand it to blind prostitutes!

Why can’t a pony sing? Because it’s a little horse. (thanks to Joey)

What do you get when you bake beans and onions together? Tear gas. (thanks to Trent)

A blind man was calling an end to his relationship with his girlfriend. “I’m sorry, I can’t see you anymore.” (thanks to Gerry)

Can cross-eyed teachers control their pupils? (thanks to Sullikr)

What goes around a button? A billy goat. (thanks to Dermy)

Is a site for sore eyes? (thanks to Jesterr)

I’ve told you a million times not to exaggerate! (thanks to Sam Hight)

One time when my son was 3 years old, I took him shopping. When we got home, he had a candy bar in his pocket. I didn’t buy it, and he certainly didn’t buy it, so we marched back to the mall – and we went to the jewelry store.

When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

In high school, my school team was the “Fighting Indians”. The mascot would dance around before each game. All of our games were rained out.

Don’t go knocking on heaven’s door. Ring the doorbell and run, he hates that! (thanks to Brett Jones)

How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? It’s not hard. (thanks to Jake M.)

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

I love kids! Let’s exchange recipes. (thanks to Brandi)

In high school, I was in the French club. All we would do is occasionally surrender to the German club.

A cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.

When I was younger, I used to play doctor with this girl in my neighborhood. We got caught, but I’m lucky it was on a Wednesday. We were just playing golf.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.

Are board games supposed to make you bored? (thanks to Matt)

If you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

The things that come to those who wait are the things left by those who got there first.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button.

The way to a man’s heart is to saw his breastplate open. (thanks to Evets)

Why shouldn’t you play poker in the savannah? There might be a cheetah. (thanks to Gary)

I’m wondering if you’re only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?

Duct tape is like “the force”. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together. (thanks to Travis)

I’m usually interested in going home before I get to where I’m going.

I’m awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.

Lead me not into temptation. I can find it myself.

To err is human, to moo bovine. (thanks to Evets)

You can say anything foolish to a dog and the dog will give you a look that says, “My God! You’re right! I would have never thought of that!” (thanks to Evets)

Good guys are like public bathrooms, either full of crap or taken.

I like my women how I like my coffee, hot, strong and on the kitchen table.

Animal testing is a bad idea. They get all the answers wrong. (thanks to Evets)

I used to be an atheist, but then I realized I’m God.

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

I’m a drunk, not an alcoholic. I don’t go to those meetings.

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

I’m not a member of any organized political party, I’m a Democrat.

A picture is worth 500 to 1500 words depending on how good looking you are.

If bald people get hit on the head, do they get hairline fractures?

Don’t look at me with that tone of voice.

It is easier to fight for principles than to live up to them.

Men are like parking spaces – the good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped.

I am having an out of money experience.

Smoking is a dying art.

You never know what real happiness is until you get married, and then it is too late.

Death is hereditary.

The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

What would you say if Jesus sneezed in front of you?

Two dogs are walking down the street, one says, “Wait a minute” and then crosses the road. He sniffs around a fire hydrant and returns. The other dog says, “What was that all about?” The first dog replies, “Just checking my messages!”

I don’t believe in spanking my kids. I find that waving the gun around accomplishes the same thing.

If at first you don’t succeed, call it version 1.0!

Can you play sole music with a shoe horn? (thanks to Charley)

Jesus saves. Moses invests.

Can a match box? No, but a tin can. (thanks to Jordan)

Math illiteracy affects 7 out of every 5 people.

I wasn’t the class clown in school. I was the class trapeze artist.

I bought a wastebasket the other day and carried it home in a paper bag. When I got home, I put the paper bag in the wastebasket.

Money flies when you’re having fun. (thanks to Victor)

Resistance is futile (if < 1 ohm).

If money doesn’t grow on trees, why do banks have branches? (thanks to Shane)

My wife said to bring the magic back in our relationship. So I disappeared! (thanks to Charley)

Men are like roses – watch out for the pricks!

I have CDO. It’s like Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, but in alphabetical order as it should be. (thanks to Jake)

Can you find buck teeth at the dollar store? (thanks to Charley)

I know a guy who has a new book coming out. It’s one of those self-help books. It’s called “How To Get Along With Everybody.” I read it and it works! He wrote it with some other stupid jerk.

I had such a terrible childhood, I always wanted to stick my head in an Easy-Bake oven.

The optometrist who got caught in the lens grinder made a spectacle of himself. (thanks to Shane)

It’s always darkest before dawn. If you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.

That guy is so vain – he won’t wear her glasses, but needs them to drive, so he got a prescription windshield.

Two parrots sat on a perch. One said to the other, “Do you smell fish?”

In football, why does the running back run forward? (thanks to Shane)

You read about all these terrorists – most of them came here legally, but they hung around on expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now compare that to Blockbuster; if you are two days late with a video, those people are all over you. We should put Blockbuster in charge of Immigration and Homeland Security.

A woman longed for the pitter-patter of little feet, so she got a dog. It was cheaper, and she got more feet.

If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: “take two aspirin” and “keep away from children.”

God created man. Then God said, “I can do better”. Then he created woman. (thanks to Amanda)

The constipated composer couldn’t finish his last movement. (thanks to Shane)

I know a guy who can’t hold his liquor during the winter months. It’s probably the mittens.

My wife and I divorced over religious differences. She thought she was God, and I didn’t.

I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

What’s the difference between one yard and two yards? A fence. (thanks to Shane)

What did the drummer get on his IQ test? Drool. (thanks to Atom)

Obey gravity! It’s the law.

Do pyromaniacs wear blazers? (thanks to Shane)

I had a conversation with a guy who could talk your arm off, but he was trying to pull my leg. (thanks to Hop)

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

In football, why does the running back run forward? (thanks to Shane)

If you don’t pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed? (thanks to Shane)

An old person is like a Slinky: Not really good for anything, but you still can’t help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Did you hear about the butcher who backed into the meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work.

If you were under house arrest, but lived in a mobile home – you could still go wherever you wanted. (thanks to Shane)

They say a smile is a gift which is free to the giver and precious to the recipient. But giving the finger is free, too, and I find it much more personal and sincere.

There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that understand binary, and those that don’t.

“Doc, I can’t stop singing ‘The Green, Green Grass of Home.'” “That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.” “Is it common?” The doctor says, “It’s Not Unusual.”

Mario Andretti recently retired from race car driving. That’s a good thing, because he’s getting old. He ran his entire last race with his left blinker on.

My father taught me to swim the hard way – he threw me out into the middle of a lake! Learning to swim that way wasn’t easy, but the really hard part was getting out of the burlap bag!

There was a doctor, a lawyer and an HMO director at the pearly gates. St. Peter says to the doctor,”You can go on in.” The lawyer steps up, and St. Peter says, “You can go in on a trial basis.” The HMO director is next in line, and St. Peter says, “You can enter, but only for 3 days.”

This greasy spoon restaurant was so bad, on the menu there were even flies in the pictures.

Bill Clinton liked Monica’s dress from the moment he spotted it.

For God’s sake, why are you hanging around with athiests? (thanks to Dick)

I met a woman named “Viamonte”. I said, “You don’t hear that name every day!” She said, “Well, actually, I do.” (thanks to Charley)

A woman got into her car and discovered that the steering wheel was gone, the radio was gone, the accelerator and brake pedals were gone. She was just about to report it to the police when she discovered she was in the back seat.

It’s hell to get old. A man said, “Windy, isn’t it?” “No,” another woman replied, “It’s Thursday.” An old man chimed in, “So am I. Let’s go get a Coke.”

Did you hear about the giant who threw up? It’s all over town.

Why did the mushroom go to the party? Because he was a fun guy. Why did he leave the party? Because there wasn’t mushroom!

How do you circumcise a whale? You send down four skin divers.

What is brown and lives in a bell tower? The lunch bag of Notre Dame.

What do you call twin babies waiting to be born? Wombmates. (thanks to Tom)

Why do fire departments have Dalmatians? So they can find the hydrants.

Do midgets get paid under the table? (thanks to Charley)

I recently took up meditation. It beats sitting around doing nothing.

Would lactose-intolerant people go to the Non-Dairy Queen? (thanks to Charley)

The meek may inherit the earth, but they’ll be too humble to accept it. (thanks to Matt)

A doctor says to a patient, “I’ve got good news and bad news. The bad news is I amputated the wrong leg. The good news is your bad leg is getting better!”

I almost fell in love with a psychic, but she left me before we met.

I used to sell “No Soliciting” signs door to door. (thanks to Charley)

If you are choking on an ice cube, don’t panic! Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

The Invisible Man married the Invisible Woman, but their kids aren’t much to look at.

God was talking to one of the angels, and said, “I’ve just created this spinning earth, which creates, in a 24 hour period, alternating light and darkness!” The angel said, “What are you going to do now?” God said, “I think I’m going to call it a day.”

She was only the Stableman’s daughter, but all the horse manure.

One cannibal says to another, “I hate my mother-in-law.”

Would a police van filled with prisoners that collides with a cement truck result in hardened criminals? (thanks to Charley)

The other cannibal passed his mother in the woods.

There is a new wing in the Denver hospital named after famous skier Picabo Street. It’s the Picabo ICU.

If you wear a “Guess” shirt, is the answer on the back of the shirt? (thanks to Charley)

A woman came in last in the 100 yard breaststroke at the local swim meet. She later complained, “The other girls were using their hands!”

My grandfather is hard of hearing. He needs to read lips. I don’t mind him reading lips, but he uses a yellow highlighter.

Two men were walking on the railroad tracks. One says to the other, “This is the longest stairway I’ve ever seen!” The other guy says, “Yeah, and these low handrails are killing my back.”

I traded in my wife’s piano for a clarinet. You can’t sing while playing a clarinet.

A guy escapes from prison and goes home. His wife says, “Where have you been? You escaped eight hours ago!”

He got a BMW because he wanted a car he could spell.

There was a ship that ran aground; it was filled with red paint. The crew was marooned!

All the toilets were stolen out of the police station. The police have nothing to go on.

What is green and skates? Peggy Phlegm.

What did the arts graduate say to the business graduate? “Do you want fries with that?”

Two guys went fishing, and found an excellent spot. One guy has a bright idea and marks the spot by painting an X on the bottom of the boat. The other guy says, “You’re stupid. What if we come back and don’t get the same boat?”

There was a cowboy dressed completely in brown paper. He was arrested for rustling.

Two cows were talking to one another in Washington. One says to the other, “What do you think about this mad cow disease?” The other cow says, “What do I care, I’m a helicopter!”

I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo, and I’m thinking, okay, here’s a gal who’s capable of making a decision she’ll regret in the future.

If a man is in the forest and there is no woman around, is he still wrong?

I bought a box of animal crackers and it said on it “Do not eat if seal is broken.” So I opened up the box, and sure enough…

I went on a fishing trip, but only caught three fish. I figure the fish cost me about $400 each. It’s a good thing I didn’t catch more, I couldn’t afford them.

A guy says to a dentist, “$90 to pull a tooth? That’s only about one minute’s work!” The dentist says, “I can make it last longer if you’d like.”

A nun says to Mother Superior, “There’s a case of syphilis in the convent!” Mother Superior says, “That’s great, I was getting tired of the Chablis.”

I dated a lawyer until she said, “Stop, and/or I’ll slap your face!”

A man thinks he’ll be charitable and says to a homeless man, “Paint my porch out back, and I’ll give you $100”. Later in the day, the homeless guy knocks on the door and says, “I’m all done. By the way, it’s a Mercedes.”

There is a sale in the men’s department. All pants are half off.

What did Ray Charles say when someone gave him a cheese grater? “This is the most violent book I have ever read!”

A man goes to a doctor and says, “Doctor, I swallowed a pool ball!” The doctor says, “I’m sorry, you’ll have to get back to the end of the queue.” (thanks to Erica)

Why does a drummer keep his drumsticks on the dashboard? So he can park in the handicapped spots. (thanks to Evets)

There was a knock on the door, and I answered it, but all that was there was a snail. I picked it up and threw it into the street. Two weeks later, another knock on the door. I opened the door and it was the snail again. The snail says, “What was that all about?”

A lawyer meets the devil. The devil says, “I will give you countless riches now if you give me your eternal soul and the souls of all your family.” The lawyer says, “What’s the catch?”

Why do women have smaller feet than men? So they can stand closer to the sink.

There are no Wal-Marts in Iraq. They’re all Targets.

A woman says to a man, “Make me feel like a real woman.” The man says, “Here, iron this.”

The first restaurant on the moon isn’t doing very well. It’s got great food, but no atmosphere.

If a woman gets married, she gets a new name and a dress.

When you’ve seen one shopping center, you’ve seen a mall.

I am a kleptomaniac, but when it gets really bad I take something for it.

Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn’t much but the reception was great.

Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says “I’ve lost my electron.” The other says “Are you sure?” The first replies, “I’m positive.”

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, “My dog is cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for him?” The vet says, “Well, let’s have a look at him.” So the vet picks the dog up while examining his eyes. Finally he says “I’m going to have to put him down.” “What? Just because he’s cross-eyed?” “No, because he’s really, really heavy.”

90% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house. 10% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

Two salesmen are at another salesman’s funeral. One says to the other, “What did he have?” The other salesman says “California, Oregon and Washington”.

A will is a dead giveaway.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

There’s two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither one works.

Man to Veterinarian: “Every time a bell rings, my dog goes into the corner.” Vet: “That’s OK, he’s a boxer.”

I’m not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.

I’m in shape. Round is a shape.

A couple is lying in bed. Man: “I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.”  Woman: “I’ll miss you.”

One of my friends watches a boxing match and says “Sure. Ten million dollars. You know, for that kind of money, I’d fight him.” As if someone is going to pay $200 a ticket to see a 57-year-old accountant get hit in the face once and cry.

At a nudist colony for intellectuals in England: Two old men are sitting on the front porch. One turns to the other and says, “I say, old boy, have you read Marx?” The other says, “Yes, it’s these wicker chairs.”

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

I’ve always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

Ever notice when you blow in a dog’s face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

Anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac.

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn’t your biggest problem.

“Dad, can you do my homework for me?” “No, I’m sorry, it just wouldn’t be right.” “Well, maybe not, but give it a try anyway!”

Two peanuts were walking down a spooky road at night. One was assaulted.

If you don’t pay your exorcist, you may get repossessed.

What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? Polaroids.

2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.

Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.

Does fuzzy logic tickle?

24 hours in a day…24 beers in a case…coincidence?

Why shouldn’t you make an atheist mad? Because he might burn a question mark on your front lawn.

If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

All computers wait at the same speed.

How many quarters does it take to play the new Lord of the Rings pinball game? None. It only takes Tolkiens.

Smash forehead on keyboard to continue…..

Cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.

Why don’t blind people like to skydive? Because it scares the dog.

Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.

Tell me what you need, I’ll tell you how to get along without it.

It is better to have loved and lost than to listen to “Lost In Love” by Air Supply.

Someday, we’ll all look back on this and plow into a parked car.

Jesus saves. He uses double coupons.

Why are there so many Johnsons in the phone book? They all have phones.

A very religious man fell into the quicksand. Firefighters come by and offer to help, but he says, “No, God will help me.” Next come the police, they offer to help. Again the man says, “No, God will help me.” He then sinks in the quicksand to his death. In heaven, he asks God why he didn’t save him. God says, “What about the firemen and police I sent?” (thanks to Patrick)

A drummer walks into a music store and says, “I’ll buy that accordion over there.” The cashier says, “You must be a drummer. That’s the radiator.” (thanks to Atom)

The optimist says the glass is half full. The pessimist says the glass is half empty. The engineer says the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

What’s brown and sticky? A stick.

Two old ladies are in a restaurant. One complains, “You know, the food here is just terrible.” The other shakes her head and adds, “And such small portions.”

Why does a Pilgrim’s pants always fall down? Because they wear their belt buckle on their hat!

A man’s house was on fire. He decided he would call the fire department. He got on the phone with the Fire Chief. The man was very frantic. The man said, “Chief,  you have to get over here,  my house is on fire!” The Chief said, “Calm down, how do we get to your house?” The man said, “Don’t you have those big red trucks anymore?”

Why don’t they take coffee breaks in Poland? It takes too long to retrain them.

A blonde wanted to apply for job as a detective. She went into the station to apply, and the sergeant said, “I will need to ask you a few questions.”  “What is 2+2?” The blonde said, “4.” “What color is the sky?” The blonde answered, “Blue.” “Who shot Lincoln?” The blonde said, “I don’t know.” The officer said, “When you find out come back and tell me.” So the blonde went home. Her roommate asked her if she got the job. She said, “As a matter of fact I did, and they put me on a case already!”


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1 Comment

  1. Dreamweaver said,

    If we evolved from apes….why do they still exist?

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