Fun Facts #4

May 29, 2008 at 3:36 am (Fun For The Day, Totally Random) (, , , , , )

Weird ways west

An California-bound airline in 1849!? Don’t laugh; it almost happened. Rufus Porter, founder of Scientific American, planned to fly 49ers west on propeller-driven balloons powered by steam engines. He went to far as to advertise the expedition, and 200 brave souls signed up for the trip. But the “airline” never got off the ground.

Then there was the “wind wagon,” sort of a cross between a sailboat and a wagon. It seemed like a good idea on paper; after all, it can be very windy in the West. A prototype was built and for a brief moment it barreled across the plains at the advertised 15 miles-per-hour. Then it went out of control and crashed. The inventor–Wind-wagon Thomas–kept trying for years, but never succeeded.

Others took a more low-tech approach, making the trip with only a simple wheelbarrow. It’s hard to imagine pushing a fully-loaded wheelbarrow for 2,000 miles, but several dozen attempted the trip. For a time, they could outpace everything on the Trail, but human endurance has its limits. No one is quite sure if any of them made it all the way with their wheelbarrows.

Why all the weird contraptions? Everyone was in a big hurry to get west–to strike it rich.


The $100 drink of water

Would you spend $100 for a glass of water? Some 49ers on the California Trail did.

Because of poor planning, many western-bound 49ers were unprepared for the hot, dry deserts of Nevada. A few sharp businessmen in California knew this and took advantage of the situation. They traveled eastward with barrels of water. Extremely thirsty, many 49ers paid $1, $5, even $100 for a glass of precious water.

But water was not the only expensive item on the Oregon-California Trail. For example, at the start of the journey, flour could be purchased for $4.00 a barrel, but further along the price rose to a sky-high $1.00 per pint. Other staples could also be quite expensive:

·Sugar $1.50 per pint

·Coffee $1.00 per pint

·Liquor $4.00 per pint

Surprisingly, there were other staples that were amazingly cheap. For example, at Ft. Laramie, bacon could be had for a penny per pound. Those who had excess bacon often considered it worthless and dumped it by the side of the road. One emigrant reported seeing ten tons on one pile.

Why the wide disparity in prices? The basic laws of supply and demand were at work. Most wagon trains took too much bacon and so it had little trading value. Water, on the other hand was in short supply and thus commanded a high price.



Traffic on the Trail

Bumper-to-bumper highway congestion isn’t just a modern phenomena. Rush hour traffic on the Oregon-California trail was just as bad–probably worse.

The image of a lone wagon on the endless prairie is largely myth; it’s more accurate to imagine a moving city. Many reported seeing wagons all the way to the horizon day after day.

And just like today’s highways, there was quite a bit of jockeying for position. The goal was to get in front of the pack because anyone who was behind had to eat the billowing dust kicked up by the wagons ahead. Competition was fierce; those in the back often had to put on goggles just to see.

The crowded conditions got even worse in the evening when the wagons came together to camp. Many 49ers discovered that previous wagon trains had overgrazed the prairie, and so there was no remaining grass for the oxen and mules to graze. So it was not uncommon for 49ers to venture miles off the trail in the evening in search of grass for their animals.

A more serious consequence of all this crowding was poor sanitation. Each new wagon train dug their latrines near the previous group’s–and there was often leakage into the water supply. The result was illness and death.


To California via Antarctica

Not every 49er used the Oregon -California Trail. There were other routes to gold country–one came perilously close to Antarctica!

Those who did not want to endure a four month walk across the west, traveled to California by ship. Trouble was, there was no direct water route to the west coast. So a ship leaving New York had to travel all the way to the tip of South America–skirting the edge of the the Antarctic continent–before heading north to California. It was a difficult trip that sometimes took a complete year.

So it was inevitable that several shortcuts were developed for the gold-crazed 49ers who were in a big hurry to get west. The most popular cutoff involved taking a ship to the Isthmus of Panama, then trekking overland to the Pacific side (remember, there was no Panama Canal then) where another ship would pick them up–hopefully.

When the 49ers got to the Pacific side, they waited and waited for weeks, or even months. When a ship finally did arrive, passage might cost $500 or $1000, and sometimes there was no space at any price.

Even worse, many of the Pacific-side ships were unseaworthy and sank en route. In the end, many regretted not taking the overland route.


The Stinky Trail west

Imagine the sunburn you’d get from being outside from sunup to sundown every day for six months. No sunblock. No lotion. That was reality for the California-bound 49ers–most wound up with leathery, sunbaked skin. But that was just the beginning.

Imagine sweating profusely in 90 degree heat day after day–but never taking a bath or shower. That too was typical of life on the trail.

And remember, this was before the days of t-shirts and shorts. Women wore long dresses for the most part, and men wore long pants. And there wasn’t even much changing of clothes. They wore the same clothes day after day.

Could it get any worse? Yes. They often had no choice but to drink rancid water, which had the inevitable result: diarrhea. For many, it was a chronic condition.

All these factors combined to create some rather deplorable hygienic conditions. Even the native tribes were repulsed by the smell. The Native Americans, who bathed regularly, thought the emigrants were uncivilized because of their poor hygiene.

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Fun Facts #3

May 29, 2008 at 3:00 am (Fun For The Day, Totally Random) (, , )

  • It is estimated that since 1972 some 16 million tons of aluminum cans have been recycled. These 785.6 billion aluminum cans placed end-to-end could stretch to the moon more than 249 times.
  • In 1996, Americans recycled 62.8 billion beverage cans. The package reached a 63.5 percent recycling rate, a national recycling rate of two out of three cans.
  • In 1972, 53 million pounds of aluminum cans were recycled. Today, we exceed that amount weekly.
  • Some 119,482 cans are recycled every minute nationwide.
  • According to the U.S. EPA, aluminum cans represent less than 1 percent (0.9 percent) of the nation’s solid waste stream.
  • Used aluminum cans are recycled and returned to store shelves as new cans in as few as 60 days.
  • The weight of aluminum cans recycled in 1996 was equal to the weight of 14 aircraft carriers — 983,709 tons.
  • Recycling saves 95 percent of the energy required to make aluminum cans from virgin ore. In 1995, aluminum companies saved the equivalent of over 20.6 million barrels of oil — or 12.3 billion kilowatt hours by recycling. This represents enough energy to supply the electrical needs of a city the size of Pittsburgh for about six years.
  • The aluminum industry operates a coast-to-coast network of 10,000 buy-back locations nationwide and cooperates with more than 7,945 cities and counties with municipal or curbside recycling programs. This infra-structure makes it easy for Americans to redeem their used aluminum beverage cans for cash.
  • Aluminum cans have tremendous value. In 1996, Americans earned $1.08 billion by recycling aluminum cans. Since 1972, Americans have earned almost $8.9 billion by recycling aluminum cans.

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Top 100 things i’d do if i became a evil overlord

May 13, 2008 at 8:47 pm (Fun For The Day, Totally Random) (, , , , )

  1. My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear Plexiglas visors, not face concealing ones.
  2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
  3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell in my dungeon.
  4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.
  5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragon of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.
  6. I will not gloat over my enemies predicament before killing them.
  7. When I’ve captured my adversary and he says, “Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?” I’ll say, “No.” and shoot him. No, on second thought, I’ll shoot him and then say “No.”
  8. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks’ time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.
  9. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled, “Danger: Don Not Push”. The big red button marked “Do Not Push” will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will clearly not be labelled as such.
  10. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum – a small hotel room well outside my border will work just as well.
  11. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
  12. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.
  13. All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least several round of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.
  14. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.
  15. I will never employ any device with a digital count-down. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable. I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.
  16. I will never utter the sentence “But before I kill you, there’s just one thing I want to know.”
  17. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.
  18. I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would prove a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.
  19. I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero’s rugged countenance and she’d betray her own father.
  20. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it’s too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.
  21. I will hire a fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legion of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman foot soldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.
  22. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.
  23. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way — even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless — my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.
  24. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strength and weaknesses. Even though this takes some fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line “No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!” (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)
  25. No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible spot.
  26. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive which is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bed chamber.
  27. I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.
  28. My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.
  29. I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.
  30. All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.
  31. All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcements and/or romantic sub-plot for the hero or his side-kick.
  32. I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.
  33. I won’t require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.
  34. I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.
  35. I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.
  36. I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.
  37. If my trusted lieutenant tell me my Legion of Terror is losing a battle, I will believe him.. After all, he’s my trusted lieutenant.
  38. If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.
  39. If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.
  40. I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable super-weapon, I will use it early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.
  41. Once my power is secure, I will destroy all of those pesky time travel devices.
  42. When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys that happens to follow him around.
  43. I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans.
  44. I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.
  45. I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him and say “And here is the price for failure.” then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.
  46. If an advisor says to me “My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?”, I will reply “This.” and kill the advisor.
  47. If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.
  48. I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.
  49. If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all of my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.
  50. My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh powerbooks.
  51. If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions of the beautiful princess’ cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people oriented position.
  52. I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.
  53. If the beautiful princess that I capture says “I’ll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!”, I will say “Oh well” and kill her.
  54. I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.
  55. The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in my Legion of Terror. However before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention.
  56. My Legion of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.
  57. Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owners manual.
  58. If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner.
  59. I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.
  60. My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: This also applies to passwords.
  61. If my advisors ask “Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?” I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them.
  62. I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight.
  63. Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of this nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.
  64. I will see a compentant psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be disadvantageous.
  65. If I must have a computer system with publicly available terminals, the maps they display will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.
  66. My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints and then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system.
  67. No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency.
  68. I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they’d better save my life again.
  69. All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild.
  70. When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner.
  71. If I decide to test a lieutenant’s loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.
  72. If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon, instead of using my unstoppable super weapon on them.
  73. I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win.
  74. When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk “Project Overlord” and leave it lying on top of my desk.
  75. I will instruct my Legion of Terror to attack the heroes en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time.
  76. If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)
  77. If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutenant, I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer.
  78. I will not tell my Legion of Terror “And he must be taken alive-” the command will be “And try to take him alive if it is reasonable practical.”
  79. If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into limited edition commemorative coins.
  80. If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress.
  81. If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.
  82. I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerously unbalanced structure.
  83. If I’m eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.
  84. I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex.
  85. I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. “Align the 12 stones of power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse.” Instead it will be more alone the lines of “Push the button/”
  86. I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded.
  87. My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.
  88. If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to do the task again.
  89. After I capture the hero’s super weapon, I will not disband legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him.
  90. I will not design my main control room so that every workstation is facing away from the door.
  91. I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important.
  92. If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead, I will say that his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)
  93. If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and the underling who failed or betrayed me, I will die first.
  94. When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.
  95. My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cell mate tells the guard it’s an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening the cell for a look.
  96. My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa.
  97. My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unraveled.
  98. If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However, if circumstances have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each other’ lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.
  99. Any data files of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb.
  100. Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free, unlimited internet access

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For more fun please visit-http://www.proft.org

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We love the british!

May 9, 2008 at 6:44 pm (Fun For The Day, Totally Random) (, , )

BRITISH NEWSPAPERS

Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, “We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It’s possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house.”
(The Daily Telegraph)

Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her underwear. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend.
(The Manchester Evening News)

Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It’s a Special Branch vehicle and they don’t want the public to know what it looks like.
(The Guardian)

A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard spokesman commented, “This sort of thing is all too common”.
(The Times)

At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coast guard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn’t have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff.
(Aberdeen Evening Express)

Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled –
“He’d always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out ‘Heil Hitler.'”
(Bournemouth Evening Echo)

HEARD ON THE LONDON UNDERGOUND TUBE

A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers…

1) “Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you’re all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you’ll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction.”

2) “Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I’ll let you know any further information as soon as I’m given any.”

3) “Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Barking and East Ham, which means we probably won’t reach our destination.”

4) “Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let’s take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now…. ‘Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall…..’.”

5) “We are now travelling through Baker Street… As you can see, Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don’t think about things like that”.

6) “Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me.”

7) During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: “Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman… unfortunately, towels are not provided.”

8) “Let the passengers off the train FIRST!” (Pause ) “Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care – I’m going home….”

9) “Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with ‘Please hold the doors open.’ The two are distinct and separate instructions.”

10) “Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors.”

11) “We can’t move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door.”

12) “To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage — what part of ‘stand clear of the doors’ don’t you understand?”

13) “Please move all baggage away from the doors.” (Pause..) “Please move ALL belongings away from the doors.” (Pause…) “This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your arse sideways!”

14) “May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it’s only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage.”

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for more fun please visit-www.begent.org

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May 9, 2008 at 6:41 pm (Fun For The Day, Totally Random) (, , )

A chemist walks into a pharmacy and says, “Do you have any acetylsalicylic acid?” The pharmacist asks, “You mean aspirin?” “That’s it, I can never remember the word.”

“Doctor, there is a man here who thinks he’s invisible.” The doctor says, “Tell him I can’t see him!”

There are only two things that are certain in this life – Death and Taxes. Unless you are wealthy – then there are Monaco and Cryogenics. (thanks to Omz)

There was a girl I dated in high school whose name was Becky, but everyone called her “Lincoln” because all the guys took a shot at her in the balcony.

Why isn’t palindrome spelled the same way backwards?

A man accidentally cut off all of his fingers with a saw. The doctor said, “Thank goodness for microsurgery. Give me the fingers, and I’ll sew them back on!” The man said, “I couldn’t pick them up!”

I’m a pessimistic optimist. I expect the worst – that way things can only get better. (thanks to Rickster)

I’m right 98% of the time. Who cares about the other 3%? (thanks to Chris)

Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics. (thanks to Chris)

Ninety two percent of cross-eyed teachers have difficulty controlling their pupils. (thanks to Donna Reade)

I tried to build a dog house, but I only had enough dogs to build 3 walls. (thanks to Bennett)

How do you write zero in Roman numerals? (thanks to Evets)

If blind people wear dark glasses, why don’t deaf people wear earmuffs? (thanks to Evets)

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra? (thanks to Evets)

I got tired of treasure hunting, so I sat down on a big chest on top of a giant “X”. (thanks to Kyle)

How many weeks are there in a light year? (thanks to Evets)

A policeman pulled me over and said, “Do you know why I pulled you over?” I said, “You should really ask a psychic!” (thanks to Nguyen Matos)

Light travels faster than sound, that’s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. (thanks to Evets)

How does a bass player make his car go faster? He takes the Domino’s Pizza sign off the top. (thanks to Jen’fer)

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out. (thanks to Evets)

The things that come to those who wait are actually the things that were left by those who got there first! (thanks to Evets)

Can bald people get a hairline fracture? (thanks to Charley)

Mistakes are made from time to time. Without them, some of us would have never been born! (thanks to Levi)

If you get mono twice, isn’t that stereo? (thanks to Charley)

“Doctor, I have a memory problem!” The doctor says, “When did it start?” “When did what start?”

My frosted flakes melted in the summer. (thanks to Nguyen Matos)

I slept through the alarm this morning. Good thing it was only a small fire. (thanks to Charley)

A cheetah clone was found slain at the city zoo. Police suspect a copycat killer. (thanks to Gary)

I know what people are thinking as soon as I tell them that I’m psyhic. (thanks to Hop)

If we ever figure out how to preserve people, we’ll really be in a jam. (thanks to Hop)

Doctor: “I have good news and bad news.” Patient: “What’s the good news?” Doctor: “You have 24 hours to live.” Patient: “What’s the bad news?” Doctor: “I should have called you yesterday!” (thanks to Sarah)

If you’re on a cruise, you’re with newlyweds, over-feds and nearly deads! (thanks to Jaime)

How many men does it take to open a beer? None, it should be open when she brings it to you. (thanks to Shane)

Patient: “Doc, you have to help me. Some days I think I’m Mickey Mouse, some days I think I’m Donald Duck” Doctor: “How long have you had these Disney spells?”

I’m a big sports fan. I keep the athletes cool while they’re playing. (thanks to Kyle)

Did you hear about the two maggots making love in dead Earnest? (thanks to PapaDog65)

Are crop circles the work of a cereal killer? (thanks to Evets)

Another way to say “water” is H2O. It sounds fancy, but it’s just h, i, j, k, l, m, n and o. (thanks to Charlie Mickle)

If vampires have no reflection, how do they have such neat hair? (thanks to Evets)

I have three beautiful children. I have four children, but only three are beautiful. (thanks to Victor)

My friend is dieting. He says weight gain is due to water retention. My weight gain is due to ice cream retention. (thanks to Charley)

Donald Rumsfeld briefed President Bush this morning. He told Bush that three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq today. The color ran from Bush’s face, and he was visibly shaken. Bush composed himself and asked Rumsfeld, “Just exactly how many is a brazillion?” (thanks to George C)

Poland’s worst air disaster occurred today when a small two-seat Cessna crashed into a cemetery. Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 826 bodies so far and expect that number to increase as digging continues into the night. (thanks to Jim Johnson)

It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in laboratory rats. (thanks to Evets)

How do you fix a woman’s watch? You don’t, there is a clock on the oven. (thanks to Shane)

“Doctor, I think I’m a bell.” The doctor says, “Take these pills, if they don’t work, give me a ring.”

Two fish are in a tank. One says the other, “How do you drive this thing?” (thanks to Gary)

My car’s brakes aren’t working, so I bought an anchor. (thanks to Kyle)

A cemetery raised its costs, but blamed it on the cost of living. (thanks to Evets)

I saw a homeless person getting off a bus, and I thought, “How does he know which stop is his?” (thanks to Charley)

I’m determined to only have three kids because I have heard that one out of every four kids born in the world is Chinese.

The last thing I need to worry about is my anxiety disorder. (thanks to Patrick)

A man was examined at a hospital and was awaiting the results. The doctor comes in and says, “I have bad news. You’re going to die in 10.” The panic-striken man says, “10 what? Years? Months? Weeks?” The doctor says, “9 – 8 – 7 – 6….” (thanks to Ben)

I may look stupid, but it’s hereditary. (thanks to Gregory Sawler)

My new workout plan is working! I’m benching 310 now. Or maybe 3:15 – whenever the weights are free. (thanks to Charley)

“Did your deaf aunt make it to her hearing?” “No, she was impaired!” (thanks to Kevin Beaudoin)

Last time my wife gave me a foot massage, my back ended up smelling funny. (thanks to Charley)

I woke up this morning and felt so bad that I tried to kill myself by taking 1,000 aspirin. After the first two, I felt better!

Are children who act in R-rated movies allowed to see them? (thanks to Shane)

Police recently arrested a man who was selling pills that would give you eternal youth. Police discovered that it was the fourth time this man was arrested. The earlier arrests were made in 1799, 1852 and 1921. (thanks to LarryNewParts)

How do they get the “Keep off the grass” sign on the grass? (thanks to Victor)

Silence is golden, but duct tape is silver. (thanks to Travis)

When French people swear, do they say “Pardon my English”? (thanks to Shane)

“Doctor, I think I’m a deck of cards!” The doctor says, “Sit in the waiting room, I’ll deal with you later.”

I ran five miles today. Finally, I had to say, “OK Lady, here’s your purse back.” (thanks to Charley)

A buddhist monk walks up to a hot dog vendor and asks, “Make me one with everything!” (thanks to Steve)

Overweight is something that just snacks up on you. (thanks to Cid)

Doctor to patient: “I’d tell you what your condition is, but I’m not sure how to pronounce it!”

When someone hits you in the face, turn the other cheek. That way the swelling is even! (thanks to Charley)

I went to a ballet once. I couldn’t even tell who won. (thanks to LarryNewParts)

There are 3 essential tools: duct tape, WD40 and a hammer. If something is moving and it shouldn’t be, duct tape it. If it isn’t moving and it should be, use WD40. If it still doesn’t move, hit it with a hammer. If it breaks, tape it back together with the duct tape.

Patient: “Doctor, something is wrong! I’m shrinking!” Doctor: “Now, now – you’ll have to be a little patient!”

I went to Wal-Mart to get a wall, but they were all out. (thanks to Schmidty)

A little boy examines his privates while in the bath. “Mommy, are these my brains?” His mother says, “Not yet.” (thanks to Scott Rogers)

Saturn is the richest planet, you can tell by all the rings. (thanks to Schmidty)

I joined a secret club; the guy at the door asked me, “What’s the password?” I told him, “Aren’t you supposed to know that?” (thanks to Kyle)

How can you tell which bottle has the PMS medicine? It’s the one with the teeth marks. (thanks to Victor)

Life begins when you’re born, and ends with an E. (thanks to Kyle)

I had to catch a train, so I got a really big mitt. (thanks to Kyle)

I have a Master’s Degree in Engineering. I told the owner I’ll return in in two days. (thanks to Kyle)

Willie Nelson got hit by a car yesterday. He was playing “On the Road Again”. (thanks to Jessica)

Two buckets of vomit were walking down the street. One says to the other, “That’s where I was brought up!” (thanks to Piemann)

How do you get Keith Richards out of a tree? Ask him for his autograph. (thanks to Ward)

How do you find an Irish pirate? He’s the one with patches over both eyes. (thanks to James)

A woman discovers an intruder in the kitchen eating the leftover steak and kidney pie. The husband asks, “Should I call the police or an ambulance?” (thanks to James)

Did you hear about the doctor who fell into a well? He learned to tend to the sick, and leave the well alone!

What does Snoop Dogg use to color his hair? Ble-Otch. (thanks to Madge)

Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? Fo’ drizzle. (thanks to Gary)

A man waited two months to have an appointment with his doctor. The doctor says, “I wish you had seen me sooner!”

Have you heard that priests can kiss the nuns now? It’s okay as long as they don’t get in the habit. (thanks to Shar)

What sound does a cat make when it’s on fire? Whooosh! (thanks to Jake M.)

What’s big, gray and can’t climb trees? A parking lot. (thanks to Mike O’Rourke)

Did you hear about the man who fell into the reupholstery machine? He’s fully recovered now.

I sat in line at the drive through window. The plump employee opens the window and says, “Sorry about the weight!” (thanks to Gregory Sawler)

My wife and I were told we couldn’t have children – by our landlord.

To work at Starbucks, should you have graduated Magna Cum Latte? (thanks to Charley)

Man: “Doctor, I think I’m a dog.” Psychiatrist: “Mmmm. Interesting. Please lie down on the couch.” Man: “I’m not allowed on the couch!”

I videotape my children a lot – because I think they’re stealing from us.

Never moon a werewolf. (thanks to LarryNewParts)

You really have to hand it to blind prostitutes!

Why can’t a pony sing? Because it’s a little horse. (thanks to Joey)

What do you get when you bake beans and onions together? Tear gas. (thanks to Trent)

A blind man was calling an end to his relationship with his girlfriend. “I’m sorry, I can’t see you anymore.” (thanks to Gerry)

Can cross-eyed teachers control their pupils? (thanks to Sullikr)

What goes around a button? A billy goat. (thanks to Dermy)

Is Visine.com a site for sore eyes? (thanks to Jesterr)

I’ve told you a million times not to exaggerate! (thanks to Sam Hight)

One time when my son was 3 years old, I took him shopping. When we got home, he had a candy bar in his pocket. I didn’t buy it, and he certainly didn’t buy it, so we marched back to the mall – and we went to the jewelry store.

When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

In high school, my school team was the “Fighting Indians”. The mascot would dance around before each game. All of our games were rained out.

Don’t go knocking on heaven’s door. Ring the doorbell and run, he hates that! (thanks to Brett Jones)

How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? It’s not hard. (thanks to Jake M.)

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

I love kids! Let’s exchange recipes. (thanks to Brandi)

In high school, I was in the French club. All we would do is occasionally surrender to the German club.

A cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.

When I was younger, I used to play doctor with this girl in my neighborhood. We got caught, but I’m lucky it was on a Wednesday. We were just playing golf.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.

Are board games supposed to make you bored? (thanks to Matt)

If you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

The things that come to those who wait are the things left by those who got there first.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button.

The way to a man’s heart is to saw his breastplate open. (thanks to Evets)

Why shouldn’t you play poker in the savannah? There might be a cheetah. (thanks to Gary)

I’m wondering if you’re only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?

Duct tape is like “the force”. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together. (thanks to Travis)

I’m usually interested in going home before I get to where I’m going.

I’m awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.

Lead me not into temptation. I can find it myself.

To err is human, to moo bovine. (thanks to Evets)

You can say anything foolish to a dog and the dog will give you a look that says, “My God! You’re right! I would have never thought of that!” (thanks to Evets)

Good guys are like public bathrooms, either full of crap or taken.

I like my women how I like my coffee, hot, strong and on the kitchen table.

Animal testing is a bad idea. They get all the answers wrong. (thanks to Evets)

I used to be an atheist, but then I realized I’m God.

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

I’m a drunk, not an alcoholic. I don’t go to those meetings.

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

I’m not a member of any organized political party, I’m a Democrat.

A picture is worth 500 to 1500 words depending on how good looking you are.

If bald people get hit on the head, do they get hairline fractures?

Don’t look at me with that tone of voice.

It is easier to fight for principles than to live up to them.

Men are like parking spaces – the good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped.

I am having an out of money experience.

Smoking is a dying art.

You never know what real happiness is until you get married, and then it is too late.

Death is hereditary.

The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

What would you say if Jesus sneezed in front of you?

Two dogs are walking down the street, one says, “Wait a minute” and then crosses the road. He sniffs around a fire hydrant and returns. The other dog says, “What was that all about?” The first dog replies, “Just checking my messages!”

I don’t believe in spanking my kids. I find that waving the gun around accomplishes the same thing.

If at first you don’t succeed, call it version 1.0!

Can you play sole music with a shoe horn? (thanks to Charley)

Jesus saves. Moses invests.

Can a match box? No, but a tin can. (thanks to Jordan)

Math illiteracy affects 7 out of every 5 people.

I wasn’t the class clown in school. I was the class trapeze artist.

I bought a wastebasket the other day and carried it home in a paper bag. When I got home, I put the paper bag in the wastebasket.

Money flies when you’re having fun. (thanks to Victor)

Resistance is futile (if < 1 ohm).

If money doesn’t grow on trees, why do banks have branches? (thanks to Shane)

My wife said to bring the magic back in our relationship. So I disappeared! (thanks to Charley)

Men are like roses – watch out for the pricks!

I have CDO. It’s like Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, but in alphabetical order as it should be. (thanks to Jake)

Can you find buck teeth at the dollar store? (thanks to Charley)

I know a guy who has a new book coming out. It’s one of those self-help books. It’s called “How To Get Along With Everybody.” I read it and it works! He wrote it with some other stupid jerk.

I had such a terrible childhood, I always wanted to stick my head in an Easy-Bake oven.

The optometrist who got caught in the lens grinder made a spectacle of himself. (thanks to Shane)

It’s always darkest before dawn. If you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.

That guy is so vain – he won’t wear her glasses, but needs them to drive, so he got a prescription windshield.

Two parrots sat on a perch. One said to the other, “Do you smell fish?”

In football, why does the running back run forward? (thanks to Shane)

You read about all these terrorists – most of them came here legally, but they hung around on expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now compare that to Blockbuster; if you are two days late with a video, those people are all over you. We should put Blockbuster in charge of Immigration and Homeland Security.

A woman longed for the pitter-patter of little feet, so she got a dog. It was cheaper, and she got more feet.

If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: “take two aspirin” and “keep away from children.”

God created man. Then God said, “I can do better”. Then he created woman. (thanks to Amanda)

The constipated composer couldn’t finish his last movement. (thanks to Shane)

I know a guy who can’t hold his liquor during the winter months. It’s probably the mittens.

My wife and I divorced over religious differences. She thought she was God, and I didn’t.

I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

What’s the difference between one yard and two yards? A fence. (thanks to Shane)

What did the drummer get on his IQ test? Drool. (thanks to Atom)

Obey gravity! It’s the law.

Do pyromaniacs wear blazers? (thanks to Shane)

I had a conversation with a guy who could talk your arm off, but he was trying to pull my leg. (thanks to Hop)

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

In football, why does the running back run forward? (thanks to Shane)

If you don’t pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed? (thanks to Shane)

An old person is like a Slinky: Not really good for anything, but you still can’t help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Did you hear about the butcher who backed into the meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work.

If you were under house arrest, but lived in a mobile home – you could still go wherever you wanted. (thanks to Shane)

They say a smile is a gift which is free to the giver and precious to the recipient. But giving the finger is free, too, and I find it much more personal and sincere.

There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that understand binary, and those that don’t.

“Doc, I can’t stop singing ‘The Green, Green Grass of Home.'” “That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.” “Is it common?” The doctor says, “It’s Not Unusual.”

Mario Andretti recently retired from race car driving. That’s a good thing, because he’s getting old. He ran his entire last race with his left blinker on.

My father taught me to swim the hard way – he threw me out into the middle of a lake! Learning to swim that way wasn’t easy, but the really hard part was getting out of the burlap bag!

There was a doctor, a lawyer and an HMO director at the pearly gates. St. Peter says to the doctor,”You can go on in.” The lawyer steps up, and St. Peter says, “You can go in on a trial basis.” The HMO director is next in line, and St. Peter says, “You can enter, but only for 3 days.”

This greasy spoon restaurant was so bad, on the menu there were even flies in the pictures.

Bill Clinton liked Monica’s dress from the moment he spotted it.

For God’s sake, why are you hanging around with athiests? (thanks to Dick)

I met a woman named “Viamonte”. I said, “You don’t hear that name every day!” She said, “Well, actually, I do.” (thanks to Charley)

A woman got into her car and discovered that the steering wheel was gone, the radio was gone, the accelerator and brake pedals were gone. She was just about to report it to the police when she discovered she was in the back seat.

It’s hell to get old. A man said, “Windy, isn’t it?” “No,” another woman replied, “It’s Thursday.” An old man chimed in, “So am I. Let’s go get a Coke.”

Did you hear about the giant who threw up? It’s all over town.

Why did the mushroom go to the party? Because he was a fun guy. Why did he leave the party? Because there wasn’t mushroom!

How do you circumcise a whale? You send down four skin divers.

What is brown and lives in a bell tower? The lunch bag of Notre Dame.

What do you call twin babies waiting to be born? Wombmates. (thanks to Tom)

Why do fire departments have Dalmatians? So they can find the hydrants.

Do midgets get paid under the table? (thanks to Charley)

I recently took up meditation. It beats sitting around doing nothing.

Would lactose-intolerant people go to the Non-Dairy Queen? (thanks to Charley)

The meek may inherit the earth, but they’ll be too humble to accept it. (thanks to Matt)

A doctor says to a patient, “I’ve got good news and bad news. The bad news is I amputated the wrong leg. The good news is your bad leg is getting better!”

I almost fell in love with a psychic, but she left me before we met.

I used to sell “No Soliciting” signs door to door. (thanks to Charley)

If you are choking on an ice cube, don’t panic! Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

The Invisible Man married the Invisible Woman, but their kids aren’t much to look at.

God was talking to one of the angels, and said, “I’ve just created this spinning earth, which creates, in a 24 hour period, alternating light and darkness!” The angel said, “What are you going to do now?” God said, “I think I’m going to call it a day.”

She was only the Stableman’s daughter, but all the horse manure.

One cannibal says to another, “I hate my mother-in-law.”

Would a police van filled with prisoners that collides with a cement truck result in hardened criminals? (thanks to Charley)

The other cannibal passed his mother in the woods.

There is a new wing in the Denver hospital named after famous skier Picabo Street. It’s the Picabo ICU.

If you wear a “Guess” shirt, is the answer on the back of the shirt? (thanks to Charley)

A woman came in last in the 100 yard breaststroke at the local swim meet. She later complained, “The other girls were using their hands!”

My grandfather is hard of hearing. He needs to read lips. I don’t mind him reading lips, but he uses a yellow highlighter.

Two men were walking on the railroad tracks. One says to the other, “This is the longest stairway I’ve ever seen!” The other guy says, “Yeah, and these low handrails are killing my back.”

I traded in my wife’s piano for a clarinet. You can’t sing while playing a clarinet.

A guy escapes from prison and goes home. His wife says, “Where have you been? You escaped eight hours ago!”

He got a BMW because he wanted a car he could spell.

There was a ship that ran aground; it was filled with red paint. The crew was marooned!

All the toilets were stolen out of the police station. The police have nothing to go on.

What is green and skates? Peggy Phlegm.

What did the arts graduate say to the business graduate? “Do you want fries with that?”

Two guys went fishing, and found an excellent spot. One guy has a bright idea and marks the spot by painting an X on the bottom of the boat. The other guy says, “You’re stupid. What if we come back and don’t get the same boat?”

There was a cowboy dressed completely in brown paper. He was arrested for rustling.

Two cows were talking to one another in Washington. One says to the other, “What do you think about this mad cow disease?” The other cow says, “What do I care, I’m a helicopter!”

I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo, and I’m thinking, okay, here’s a gal who’s capable of making a decision she’ll regret in the future.

If a man is in the forest and there is no woman around, is he still wrong?

I bought a box of animal crackers and it said on it “Do not eat if seal is broken.” So I opened up the box, and sure enough…

I went on a fishing trip, but only caught three fish. I figure the fish cost me about $400 each. It’s a good thing I didn’t catch more, I couldn’t afford them.

A guy says to a dentist, “$90 to pull a tooth? That’s only about one minute’s work!” The dentist says, “I can make it last longer if you’d like.”

A nun says to Mother Superior, “There’s a case of syphilis in the convent!” Mother Superior says, “That’s great, I was getting tired of the Chablis.”

I dated a lawyer until she said, “Stop, and/or I’ll slap your face!”

A man thinks he’ll be charitable and says to a homeless man, “Paint my porch out back, and I’ll give you $100”. Later in the day, the homeless guy knocks on the door and says, “I’m all done. By the way, it’s a Mercedes.”

There is a sale in the men’s department. All pants are half off.

What did Ray Charles say when someone gave him a cheese grater? “This is the most violent book I have ever read!”

A man goes to a doctor and says, “Doctor, I swallowed a pool ball!” The doctor says, “I’m sorry, you’ll have to get back to the end of the queue.” (thanks to Erica)

Why does a drummer keep his drumsticks on the dashboard? So he can park in the handicapped spots. (thanks to Evets)

There was a knock on the door, and I answered it, but all that was there was a snail. I picked it up and threw it into the street. Two weeks later, another knock on the door. I opened the door and it was the snail again. The snail says, “What was that all about?”

A lawyer meets the devil. The devil says, “I will give you countless riches now if you give me your eternal soul and the souls of all your family.” The lawyer says, “What’s the catch?”

Why do women have smaller feet than men? So they can stand closer to the sink.

There are no Wal-Marts in Iraq. They’re all Targets.

A woman says to a man, “Make me feel like a real woman.” The man says, “Here, iron this.”

The first restaurant on the moon isn’t doing very well. It’s got great food, but no atmosphere.

If a woman gets married, she gets a new name and a dress.

When you’ve seen one shopping center, you’ve seen a mall.

I am a kleptomaniac, but when it gets really bad I take something for it.

Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn’t much but the reception was great.

Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says “I’ve lost my electron.” The other says “Are you sure?” The first replies, “I’m positive.”

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, “My dog is cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for him?” The vet says, “Well, let’s have a look at him.” So the vet picks the dog up while examining his eyes. Finally he says “I’m going to have to put him down.” “What? Just because he’s cross-eyed?” “No, because he’s really, really heavy.”

90% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house. 10% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

Two salesmen are at another salesman’s funeral. One says to the other, “What did he have?” The other salesman says “California, Oregon and Washington”.

A will is a dead giveaway.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

There’s two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither one works.

Man to Veterinarian: “Every time a bell rings, my dog goes into the corner.” Vet: “That’s OK, he’s a boxer.”

I’m not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.

I’m in shape. Round is a shape.

A couple is lying in bed. Man: “I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.”  Woman: “I’ll miss you.”

One of my friends watches a boxing match and says “Sure. Ten million dollars. You know, for that kind of money, I’d fight him.” As if someone is going to pay $200 a ticket to see a 57-year-old accountant get hit in the face once and cry.

At a nudist colony for intellectuals in England: Two old men are sitting on the front porch. One turns to the other and says, “I say, old boy, have you read Marx?” The other says, “Yes, it’s these wicker chairs.”

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

I’ve always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

Ever notice when you blow in a dog’s face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

Anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac.

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn’t your biggest problem.

“Dad, can you do my homework for me?” “No, I’m sorry, it just wouldn’t be right.” “Well, maybe not, but give it a try anyway!”

Two peanuts were walking down a spooky road at night. One was assaulted.

If you don’t pay your exorcist, you may get repossessed.

What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? Polaroids.

2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.

Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.

Does fuzzy logic tickle?

24 hours in a day…24 beers in a case…coincidence?

Why shouldn’t you make an atheist mad? Because he might burn a question mark on your front lawn.

If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

All computers wait at the same speed.

How many quarters does it take to play the new Lord of the Rings pinball game? None. It only takes Tolkiens.

Smash forehead on keyboard to continue…..

Cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.

Why don’t blind people like to skydive? Because it scares the dog.

Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.

Tell me what you need, I’ll tell you how to get along without it.

It is better to have loved and lost than to listen to “Lost In Love” by Air Supply.

Someday, we’ll all look back on this and plow into a parked car.

Jesus saves. He uses double coupons.

Why are there so many Johnsons in the phone book? They all have phones.

A very religious man fell into the quicksand. Firefighters come by and offer to help, but he says, “No, God will help me.” Next come the police, they offer to help. Again the man says, “No, God will help me.” He then sinks in the quicksand to his death. In heaven, he asks God why he didn’t save him. God says, “What about the firemen and police I sent?” (thanks to Patrick)

A drummer walks into a music store and says, “I’ll buy that accordion over there.” The cashier says, “You must be a drummer. That’s the radiator.” (thanks to Atom)

The optimist says the glass is half full. The pessimist says the glass is half empty. The engineer says the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

What’s brown and sticky? A stick.

Two old ladies are in a restaurant. One complains, “You know, the food here is just terrible.” The other shakes her head and adds, “And such small portions.”

Why does a Pilgrim’s pants always fall down? Because they wear their belt buckle on their hat!

A man’s house was on fire. He decided he would call the fire department. He got on the phone with the Fire Chief. The man was very frantic. The man said, “Chief,  you have to get over here,  my house is on fire!” The Chief said, “Calm down, how do we get to your house?” The man said, “Don’t you have those big red trucks anymore?”

Why don’t they take coffee breaks in Poland? It takes too long to retrain them.

A blonde wanted to apply for job as a detective. She went into the station to apply, and the sergeant said, “I will need to ask you a few questions.”  “What is 2+2?” The blonde said, “4.” “What color is the sky?” The blonde answered, “Blue.” “Who shot Lincoln?” The blonde said, “I don’t know.” The officer said, “When you find out come back and tell me.” So the blonde went home. Her roommate asked her if she got the job. She said, “As a matter of fact I did, and they put me on a case already!”

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FUN FACTS (congratz if you can read them all)

May 7, 2008 at 2:57 am (Fun For The Day, Totally Random) ()

Any month that has a Friday the 13th also has a Wednesday the 25th.

John Madden is an accomplished ballroom dancer.

In 21 states, Wal-Mart is the single largest employer.

Jim Gordon, drummer of Derek and the Dominos (“Layla”), killed his mother with a claw hammer.

One of Hewlett Packard’s first ideas was an automatic urinal flusher.

Eric Clapton did not play the very famous first riff on the song “Layla”. That was Duane Allman. Clapton comes in later.

As you age, your eye color gets lighter.

There are more cars in Southern California than there are cows in India.

The two-foot long bird called a Kea that lives in New Zealand likes to eat the strips of rubber around car windows.

The province of Alberta, Canada is completely free of rats.

Illinois has the most personalized license plates of any state.

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle; if the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle; if the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

There are two credit cards for every person in the United States.

The international telephone dialing code for Antarctica is 672.

The average chocolate bar has 8 insect legs in it.

There are 206 bones in the adult human body, but 300 in children (some of the bones fuse together as a child grows).

Fleas can jump 130 times higher than their own height. In human terms this is equal to a 6 foot person jumping 780 feet into the air.

Snakes are true carnivores as they eat nothing but other animals. They do not eat any type of plant material.

There are no venomous snakes in Maine.

The blue whale can produce sounds up to 188 decibels. This is the loudest sound produced by a living animal and has been detected as far away as 530 miles.

The human eye blinks an average of 4,200,000 times a year.

It takes approximately 12 hours for food to entirely digest.

Erosion at the base of Niagara Falls (USA) undermines the shale cliffs and as a result, the falls have receded approximately 7 miles over the last 10,000 years.

The longest living cells in the body are brain cells which can live an entire lifetime.

The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.

North Dakota has never had an earthquake.

Alexander Graham Bell (who invented the telephone) also set a world water-speed record of over seventy miles an hour at the age of 72.

There is enough fuel in a full tank of a jumbo jet to drive an average car four times around the world.

Hawaii is moving toward Japan 4 inches every year.

Chimps are the only animals that can recognize themselves in a mirror.

The leg bones of a bat are so thin that no bat can walk.

There are more living organisms on the skin of a single human being than there are human beings on the surface of the earth.

Marilyn Monroe had six toes on one foot.

If you keep a goldfish in the dark room, it will eventually turn white.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.

Almonds are members of the peach family.

Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.

Americans on the average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.

One person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.

More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed in plane crashes.

Lorne Greene had one of his nipples bitten off by an alligator while he was host of “Lorne Greene’s Animal Kingdom”.

The dot that appears over the letter “i” is called a tittle.

All major league baseball umpires must wear black underwear while on the job (in case their pants split).

The Spanish word esposa means “wife.” The plural, esposas, means “wives,” but also “handcuffs.”

If all Americans used one third less ice in their drinks the United States would become a net exporter instead of an importer of energy.

If the Nile River were stretched across the United States, it would run nearly from New York to Los Angeles.

San Francisco cable cars are the only National Monuments that move.

The Hoover Dam was built to last 2,000 years. Its concrete will not be fully cured for another 500 years.

Abraham Lincoln’s dog, Fido, was assassinated too.

All of David Letterman’s suits are custom made – there are no creases in his suit trousers.

Cranberry Jell-O is the only flavor that contains real fruit flavoring.

Fewer than half of the 16,200 major league baseball players have ever hit a home run.

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.

Richard Versalle, a tenor performing at New York’s Metropolitan Opera House, suffered a heart attack and fell 10 feet from a ladder to the stage just after singing the line “You can only live so long.”

If the entire population of earth was reduced to exactly 100 people, 51% would be female, 49% male; 50% of the world’s currency would be held by 6 people, one person would be nearly dead, one nearly born.

In 1920, Babe Ruth out-homered every American League team.

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England, but only in tropical fish stores.

Toxic house plants poison more children than household chemicals.

The original name of Bank of America was Bank of Italy.

The ant, when intoxicated, will always fall over to its right side.

The California Department of Motor Vehicles has issued six driver’s licenses to six different people named Jesus Christ.

Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike each year than all the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.

People in China and Japan die disproportionately on the 4th of each month because the words death and four sound alike, and they are represented by the same symbol.

Chicago is closer to Moscow than it is to Rio de Janeiro.

Dogs have two sets of teeth, just like humans. They first have 30 “puppy” teeth, then 42 adult teeth.

In 1950, President Harry Truman threw out the first ball twice at the opening day Washington DC baseball game; once right handed and once left handed.

A Swiss ski resort announced it would combat global warming by wrapping its mountain glaciers in aluminum foil to keep them from melting.

The chameleon has a tongue that is one and a half times the length of his body.

Beethoven dipped his head in cold water before he composed.

There once was a town named “6” in West Virginia.

Ten years ago, only 500 people in China could ski. This year, an estimated 5,000,000 Chinese will visit ski resorts.

In 1920, Babe Ruth broke the single season home run record, with 29. The same year, he became the first major leaguer to hit 30 home runs. The same year, he became the first major leaguer to hit 40 home runs. The same year, he became the first major leaguer to hit 50 home runs.

A Nigerian woman was caught entering the UK with 104 kg of snails in her baggage.

Profanity is typically cut from in-flight movies to make them suitable for general audiences. Fox Searchlight Pictures has substituted “Ashcroft” for “A**hole” in the movie Sideways when dubbed for Aerolineas Argentinas flights.

Author Hunter S. Thompson, who committed suicide recently, wanted to be cremated and his ashes to be shot out of a cannon on his ranch.

Sports Illustrated magazine allows subscribers to opt out of receiving the famous swimsuit issue each year. Fewer than 1% choose this option.

There is a company that will (for $14,000) take your ashes, compress them into a synthetic diamond to be set in jewelry for a loved one.

The RIAA sued an 83 year old woman for downloading music illegally, even though a copy of her death certificate was sent to the RIAA a week before it filed the suit.

Two 1903 paintings recently sold at auction for $590,000 – the paintings were in the famous “Dogs Playing Poker” series.

Russian scientists have developed a new drug that prolongs drunkenness and enhances intoxication.

Romanian firefighters could not get their trucks close enough to a burning building, so they put out the fire by throwing snowballs at it.

A perfect SAT score is 1600 combined. Bill Gates scored 1590 on his SAT. Paul Allen, Bill’s partner in Microsoft, scored a perfect 1600. Bill Cosby scored less than 500 combined.

Motorists traveling outside Salem, Oregon saw one of the “litter cleanup” signs crediting the American Nazi party. Marion County officials had no choice but to let that group into the adopt-a-road program. The $500 per sign was picked up by Oregon taxpayers. The Ku Klux Klan is also involved in the adopt-a-road program in the state of Arkansas.

Spam filters that catch the word “cialis” will not allow many work-related e-mails through because that word is embedded inside the word “specialist”.

McDonald’s restaurants will buy 54,000,000 pounds of fresh apples this year. Two years ago, McDonald’s purchased 0 pounds of apples. This is attributed to the shift to more healthy menu options (the Apple Pie, which has been at McDonald’s for years uses processed Apple Pie Filling).

The biggest dog on record was an Old English Mastiff that weighed 343 pounds. He was 8 feet, 3 inches from nose to tail.

Mailmen in Russia now carry revolvers after a recent decision by the government.

All of Queen Anne’s 17 children died before she did.

There are over 87,000 Americans on waiting lists for organ transplants.

American made parts account for only 1% of the Chrysler Crossfire. 96% of the Ford F-150 Heritage Truck is American.

A Dutch court ruled that a bank robber could deduct the 2,000 Euros he paid for his pistol from the 6,600 Euros he has to return to the bank he robbed.

Only 6% of the autographs in circulation from members of the Beatles are estimated to be real.

The time spent deleting SPAM costs United States businesses $21.6 billion annually.

60.7 percent of eligible voters participated in the 2004 presidential election, the highest percentage in 36 years. However, more than 78 million did not vote. This means President Bush won re-election by receiving votes from less than 31% of all eligible voters in the United States.

John Quincy Adams, sixth president of the United States, loved to skinny dip in the Potomac River.

La Paz, Bolivia has an average annual temperature below 50 degrees Fahrenheit. However, it has never recorded a zero-degree temperature. Same for Stanley, Falkland Islands and Punta Arenas, Chile.

41% of Chinese people eat at least once a week at a fast food restaurant. 35% of Americans do.

A Wisconsin forklift operator for a Miller beer distributor was fired when a picture was published in a newspaper showing him drinking a Bud Light.

G-rated family films earn more money than any other rating. Yet only 3% of Hollywood’s output is G-rated.

Richard Hatch, winner of the first “Survivor” reality series, has been charged with tax evasion for failing to report his $1,000,000 prize.

The entire fleet of Unicoi County Tennessee’s salt trucks was rendered out of commission in one accident. All three trucks were badly damaged when one of them began skidding down a road, causing a chain reaction accident. Officials blamed road conditions.

More people study English in China than speak it in the United States of America (300 million).

Fast food provider Hardee’s has recently introduced the Monster Thickburger. It has 1,420 calories and 107 grams of fat.

More than 2,500 left-handed people are killed each year from using products that are made for right-handed people.

For every person on earth, there are an estimated 200 million insects.

There are 2,000,000 millionaires in the United States.

1.5 million Americans are charged with drunk driving each year.

A Georgia company will mix your loved one’s ashes with cement and drop it into the ocean to form an artificial reef.

The Washington Times newspaper is owned by the Rev. Sun Myung Moon.

The busiest shopping hour of the holiday season is between 3:00 pm and 4:00 pm on Christmas Eve.

In 2002, women earned 742,000 bachelor’s degrees. Men earned only 550,000 during the same year. The difference is growing so large that many colleges now practice (quietly) affirmative action for male applicants.

Most of the deck chairs on the Queen Mary 2 have had to be replaced because overweight Americans were breaking them.

Actor Bill Murray doesn’t have a publicist or an agent.

The day after President George W. Bush was reelected, Canada’s main immigration website had 115,000 visitors. Before Bush’s re-election, this site averaged about 20,000 visitors each day.

Only 30% of stolen artwork worth more than $1,000,000 each is recovered.

The typical American child receives 70 new toys a year, most of them during the holiday season.

90% of Canada’s 31,000,000 citizens live within 100 miles of the U.S. border.

Costco is the largest wine retailer in the United States. Annual wine sales are about $700 million.

The worst air polluter in the entire state of Washington is Mount St. Helens.

There are less than 100 surviving American World War I veterans.

Actor Bruce Willis has filed a lawsuit against the movie studio that produced his film “Tears of the Sun”, alleging he was struck in the forehead by a fake bullet. Since 2002 (when the movie was in production), the lawsuit claims he has endured “extreme mental, physical, and emotional pain and suffering”.

A ten year old mattress weighs double what it did when it was new, because of the -ahem- debris which is absorbed through the years. That debris includes dust mites (their droppings and their decaying bodies), mold, millions of dead skin cells, dandruff, animal and human hair, secretions, excretions, lint, pollen, dust, soil, sand and a lot of perspiration, of which the average person loses a quart per day. Good night!

About 20% of gift cards never are redeemed at the full value of the card.

John Kerry’s hometown newspaper, the Lowell Sun, endorsed George W. Bush for president in 2004. Bush’s hometown newspaper, the Lone Star Iconoclast, endorsed John Kerry for president in 2004.

Only 939 of the 1,400,000 high school seniors who took the SAT in 2004 got a perfect score of 1600. Two of them are twin brothers Dillon and Jesse Smith from Long Island, NY.

Billboard magazine has recently launched a top 20 chart of cell phone ringtones.

The US Army is handing out $2,500 to Fallujah residents whose property was destroyed by US planes and artillery.

George W. Bush, who presents himself as a man of faith, rarely goes to church. Yet he received votes from nearly two out of three voters who attend church at least once a week.

In 2015, it is estimated that half the federal budget will be spent on programs for the elderly.

A private elementary school in Alexandria, Virginia, accidentally served margaritas to its schoolchildren, thinking it was limeade.

The Chicago Cubs are suing former Hartford Courant newspaper carrier Mark Guthrie to get back $301,000 in pay that was intended to go to a Cubs pitcher with the same name. The Tribune Company owns both the Hartford Courant and the Chicago Cubs.

In February 2004, a Disney World employee was killed when he fell from a parade float and was trapped between two float sections. OSHA termed this a serious workplace violation, but Disney was fined only $6,300.

Even today, 90% of the continental United States is still open space or farmland.

The second Saturday in September is usually a popular time for weddings. Not in 2004, as most couples did not want their anniversaries on September 11.

Mel Gibson has personally earned almost $400,000,000 from his movie “The Passion of the Christ”.

Austin High School in Texas has removed candy from its vending machines. Now some enterprising students are earning $200 per week dealing in black market candy.

In 2004, Virgin Atlantic Airlines introduced a double bed for first class passengers who fly together.

The world’s largest book, “Bhutan: A Visual Odyssey” is in a Chicago public library. The book measures 5 feet tall by 7 feet wide when open. It weighs 133 pounds.

If the recent U.S. election was held in Canada, John Kerry would have beaten George Bush in a landslide – 64% to 19%.

Oprah Winfrey and Elvis Presley are distant cousins.

55% of Americans claim they would continue working even if they received a $10,000,000 lottery prize.

The company that manufactures the greatest number of women’s dresses each year is Mattel. Barbie’s got to wear something.

All radios in North Korea have been rigged so listeners can only receive a North Korean government station. The United States recently announced plans to smuggle $2,000,000 worth of small radios into the country so North Koreans can get a taste of (what their government calls) “rotten imperialist reactionary culture”.

La Paz, Bolivia is the world’s most fireproof city. At 12,000 feet about sea level, the amount of oxygen in the air barely supports a flame.

The estates of 22 dead celebrities earned over $5 million in 2004. These celebrities include Elvis Presley, Dr. Seuss, Charles Schulz, J.R.R. Tolkien and John Lennon.

George Washington spent about 7% of his annual salary on liquor.

Each year, more people are killed by teddy bears than by grizzly bears.

If you disassembled the Great Pyramid of Cheops, you would get enough stones to encircle the earth with a brick wall twenty inches high.

Nearly one third of New York City public school teachers send their own children to private schools.

The New York City Police Department has a $3.3 billion annual budget, larger than all but 19 of the world’s armies.

CBS’s fine for Janet Jackson’s “wardrobe malfunction” in the 2004 Super Bowl show was $550,000. This could be paid with only 7.5 seconds of commercial time during the same Super Bowl telecast.

In September 2004, a Minnesota state trooper issued a speeding ticket to a motorcyclist who was clocked at 205 mph.

Al Gore’s roommate in college (Harvard, class of 1969) was Tommy Lee Jones.

In her later years, Florence Nightingale kept a pet owl in her pocket.

The New York Jets were unable to find hotel rooms for a game in Indianapolis recently because they had all been booked up by people attending Gencon, a gaming convention.

China is the world’s largest market for BMW’s top of the line 760Li. This car sells for $200,000 in China – more than almost all people in China make in a lifetime.

A chef’s hat is shaped the way it is for a reason: its shape allows air to circulate around the scalp, keeping the head cool in a hot kitchen.

Life expectancy for Russian men has actually gone down over the past 40 years. A Russian male born today can expect to live an average 58 years.

Each year, sixteen million gallons of oil run off pavement into streams, rivers and eventually oceans in the United States. This is more oil than was spilled by the Exxon Valdez.

An employee of the Alabama Department of Transportation installed spyware on his boss’s computer and proved that the boss spent 10% of his time working (20% of time checking stocks and 70% of the time playing solitaire). The employee was fired, the boss kept his job.

In 1985, the most popular waist size for men’s pants was 32. In 2003, it’s 36.

Solid structures (parking lots, roads, buildings) in the United States cover an area the size of Ohio.

A Brussels Airlines flight to Vienna was aborted because the pilot was attacked in the cockpit. The attacker was a passenger’s cat, who got out of its travel bag.

Physicists have already performed a simple type of teleportation, transferring the quantum characteristics of one atom onto another atom at a different location.

At General Motors, the cost of health care for employees now exceeds the cost of steel.

There is a regulation size half-court where employees can play basketball inside the Matterhorn at Disneyland.

One of pitcher Nolan Ryan’s jockstraps recently sold at auction for $25,000.

Television stations hung banners at the 2004 Democratic National Convention, including Al-Jazeera, until it was noticed and taken down.

A woman was chewing what was left of her chocolate bar when she entered a Metro station in Washington DC. She was arrested and handcuffed; eating is prohibited in Metro stations.

The New York City subway system, in an effort to raise revenue, is considering selling sponsorships of individual stations to corporations. Riders could soon be getting off at Nike Grand Central Station or Sony Times Square.

The Nike swoosh was designed by a Portland State University student, and purchased by Nike for $35.

Gerald Ford once worked as a cover model for Cosmopolitan magazine.

Gillette spent $1,000,000 to place razor samples in the welcome bags handed out at the Democratic National Convention, only to have them confiscated as they were considered a threat. This caused huge delays at all security checkpoints.

Quebec City, Canada, has about as much street crime as Disney World.

Jim Carrey voted in 2004 at the Beverly Hills City Hall. He had an assistant wait in line for him, however.

As part of a charity event, 500 cats were spayed and neutered in the cafeteria of an elementary school. School was cancelled for days and $10,000 was spent on cleaning and sterilizing the room.

The United States has five percent of the world’s population, but twenty-five percent of the world’s prison population.

Seven percent of Americans claim they never bathe at all.

The largest McDonald’s is in Beijing, China – measuring 28,000 square feet. It has twenty nine cash registers.

A house in Baghdad worth $15,000 before the Iraq war now sells for $120,000 to $150,000.

There are between 5,000 and 7,000 tigers kept as pets in the United States.

The fertility rate in states that voted for George Bush is 12% higher than states that favored John Kerry.

The chicken is one of the few things that man eats before it’s born and after it’s dead.

The number of US college students studying Latin is three times the number studying Arabic.

In 2004, one in six girls in the United States enter puberty at age 8. A hundred years ago, only one in a hundred entered puberty that early.

If you hook Jell-O up to an EEG, it registers movements almost identical to a human adult’s brain waves.

Some dogs can predict when a child will have an epileptic seizure, and even protect the child from injury. They’re not trained to do this, they simply learn to respond after observing at least one attack.

32 out of 33 samples of well-known brands of milk purchased in Los Angeles and Orange counties in California had trace amounts of perchlorate. Perchlorate is the explosive component in rocket fuel.

The remains of 125 people will be launched into space where they will orbit the Earth for centuries.

The leading cause of on-the-job deaths in workplaces in America is homicide.

So far, Congress has authorized $152,600,000,000 for the Iraq war. This is enough to build over 17,500 elementary schools.

Americans take an average of just ten days per year vacation. In France, the law guarantees everyone five weeks of vacation, and most full-time workers get two full months vacation.

The IRS admits that one in five people who call their help line get the wrong answer to their question.

20% of Americans think that the sun orbits around the Earth.

Harry S Truman’s middle name was S. Just S, without the period. (thanks to Eric Snyder)

Van Halen singer David Lee Roth trained to be an EMT in New York City, and planned to be certified by November 2004.

The thong accounts for 25% of the United States women’s underwear market.

On average, 40% of all hotel rooms in the United States remain empty every night.

When you hear a bullwhip snap, it’s because the tip is traveling faster than the speed of sound.

There is a new television show on a British cable called “Watching Paint Dry”. Viewers watch in real-time. Gloss, semi-gloss, matte, satin, you name it. Then viewers vote out their least favorite.

The largest ocean liners pay a $250,000 toll for each trip through the Panama Canal. The canal generates fully one-third of Panama’s entire economy.

French author Michel Thaler published a 233 page novel which has no verbs.

The spring thaw finally allows cemeteries in Alaska to start digging graves for those who died during the winter.

When Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen turn 18 in mid-2004, they will take official control of a company worth more than the gross national product of Mongolia. Their earnings in 2003 topped $1 billion.

Orthodox rabbis warned that New York City drinking water might not be kosher; it contains harmless micro-organisms that are technically shellfish.

David Bowie thinks he is being stalked by someone who is dressed like a giant pink rabbit. Bowie has noticed the fan at several recent concerts, but he became alarmed when he got on a plane and the bunny was on board.

A party boat filled with 60 men and women capsized in Texas after all the passengers rushed to one side as the boat passed a nude beach.

In 1997, a woman in Bradenton, Florida lost her cat. In 2004, she got a call from the local animal shelter. The cat turned up wandering the streets in San Francisco, California. The cat’s identity was proven with a microchip that had been implanted prior to 1997.

Almost 20% of the billions of dollars American taxpayers are spending to rebuild Iraq are lost to theft, kickbacks and corruption.

The treasury department has more than twenty people assigned to catching people who violate the trade and tourism embargo with Cuba. In contrast, it has only four employees assigned to track the assets of Osama bin Laden and Saddam Hussein.

There are 40,000 New York City cab drivers, who collectively drive more than a million miles each day.

An estimated 800,000 senior citizens voluntarily give up their driving privileges each year. The average age at which they surrender the wheel is 85.

More than 8,100 US troops are still listed as missing in action from the Korean war.

3,400,000 Americans are considered “Extreme Commuters”. These people commute over 90 minutes round trip every day to work.

82% of Americans made a purchase at Wal-Mart in 2002.

Oslo, Norway is the world’s most expensive city. A gallon on gas costs almost $5, and it costs $1.32 to use the public restrooms.

Villanova University’s commencement speaker this year is the actor who plays Big Bird.

In 1965, auditions were held for the “Monkees” TV show. Some of the people who responded (but were not hired) were Stephen Stills, Harry Nilsson, Paul Williams and Charles Manson.

Kevin Spacey’s older brother is a professional Rod Stewart impersonator.

71% of office workers stopped on the street for a survey agreed to give up their computer passwords in exchange for a chocolate bar.

George W. Bush and John Kerry are 16th cousins, three times removed.

If current trends continue, Medicare costs will absorb 51% of all income tax revenues by 2042.

The prison system is the largest supplier of mental health services in America, with 250,000 Americans with mental illness living there.

Newest trend in the Netherlands: Tiny jewels implanted directly into the eye.

Researchers have found that doctors who spend at least three hours a week playing video games make about 37% fewer mistakes in laparoscopic surgery than surgeons who didn’t play video games.

Before he had his own show, Jerry Seinfeld appeared on three episodes of the TV show “Benson” as the governor’s speechwriter.

There are 1,008 McDonald’s franchises in France.

Hostess Twinkies were originally filled with banana filling. The filling was changed during World War II when the United States experienced a banana shortage.

World War II veterans are now dying at the rate of about 1,100 each day.

George W. Bush is probably going to be the eighth president in US history to have completed a term in office without ever having issued a single veto.

A deployed air bag adds as much as $2,000 to the cost of repairing a vehicle. That’s enough for insurance companies to often declare the car “totaled”.

For the first time in history, the number of people on the planet aged 60 or over will soon surpass those under 5.

A British gymnast survived a fall from a fourth story window because he went into a somersault and came down on two feet.

One out of five people in the world (1.1 billion people) live on less than $1 per day.

The Swedish pop group ABBA recently turned down an offer of $2 billion to reunite.

The New Yorker magazine now has more subscribers in California than New York.

Five years ago, 60% of all retail purchases were made with cash or check. Now it’s 50%. By 2010, 39% of purchases will be made by cash or check.

35 Billion e-mails are sent each day throughout the world.

The richest self-made American under 40 is Michael Dell, chairman of Dell Computers. He is worth $18 billion.

Legislators in Santa Fe, New Mexico, are considering a law that would require pets to wear seat belts when traveling in a car.

Life Savers got their shape by a malfunctioning machine, which mistakenly punched a hole in the center of each candy.

SUV sales are up 18% in the first quarter of 2004 vs. the same period of 2003, even though gas prices are skyrocketing. Consumer surveys show that gas prices would have to hit $3.75 per gallon before there will be any real impact on SUV sales.

Airport security agents at Logan Airport in Boston, Massachusetts caught a passenger trying to sneak a severed seal head onto a plane inside a cooler. The man said he was a biology professor and had found the dead animal on the beach.

Jimmy Carter once reported a UFO in Georgia.

There are 150,000,000 cell phones in use in the United States, more than one per every two human beings in the country.

A Boeing 767 airliner is made of 3,100,000 separate parts.

The average child recognizes over 200 company logos by the time he enters first grade.

Last December, the House of Representatives earmarked $50,000,000 to create an indoor rain forest in Iowa.

Amusement park attendance goes up after a fatal accident. It seems many people want to ride upon the same ride that killed someone.

Jeffrey and Sheryl McGowen in Houston turned to vitro fertilization. Two eggs were implanted in Sheryl’s womb, and both of them split. Sheryl gave birth to two sets of identical twins at once.

For every ton of fish that is caught in all the oceans on our planet, there are three tons of garbage dumped into the oceans.

June Foray did the voice for Rocky the Flying Squirrel and the Chatty Cathy dolls.

Japanese and Chinese people die on the fourth of the month more often than any other dates. The reason may be that they are “scared to death” by the number four. The words four and death sound alike in both Chinese and Japanese.

People with initials that spell out GOD or ACE are likely to live longer than people whose initials spell out words like APE, PIG, or RAT.

More people in the United States die during the first week of the month than during the last, an increase that may be a result of the abuse of substances purchased with benefit checks that come at the beginning of each month.

In the film Forrest Gump, all the still photos show Forrest with his eyes closed.

There are an average of 18,000,000 items for sale at any time on EBay.

The New York Times reports that in February 2004, 62% of all e-mail was spam.

A Massachusetts surgeon left a patient with an open incision for 35 minutes while he went to deposit a check.

In 1991, the average bra size in the United States was 34B. Today it’s 36C.

U.K. telecom provider Telewest Broadband is testing a device that hooks to your PC and wafts a scent when certain e-mails arrive.

The average North Korean 7-year-old is almost three inches shorter than the average South Korean 7-year-old.

In 1993, David McLean developed lung cancer. He died on October 12, 1995. McLean’s death made him the second Marlboro Man to die of lung cancer. Another actor, Wayne McLaren, died in 1992 at the age of 51 from lung cancer.

There is a bar in London that sells vaporized vodka, which is inhaled instead of sipped.

According to market research firm NPD Fashionworld, fifty percent of all lingerie purchases are returned to the store.

On EBay, there are an average of $680 worth of transactions each second.

The Eiffel Tower shrinks 6 inches in winter.

The first FAX machine was patented in 1843, 33 years before Alexander Graham Bell demonstrated the telephone.

72% of Americans sign their pets’ names on greeting cards they send out.

In an effort to encourage the use of nuclear energy, the United States lent highly enriched uranium to countries all over the world between 1950 and 1988. Enough weapons-grade material to make 1,000 nuclear bombs has still not been returned by such countries as Pakistan, Iran, Israel and South Africa.

Homing pigeons use roads where possible to help find their way home. In fact, some pigeons followed roads so closely that they actually flew around traffic circles before choosing the exit that led them home.

Every year, 2700 surgical patients go home from the hospital with metal tools, sponges, and other objects left inside them. In 2000, 57 people died as a result of these mistakes.

A snowflake can take up to a hour to fall from the cloud to the surface of the Earth.

Only 5 percent of the ocean floor has been mapped in as much detail as the surface of Mars.

The only people whose likenesses adorn Pez dispensers are Betsy Ross and Paul Revere.

We forget 80 percent of what we learn everyday.

Pain is measured in units of “dols”. The instrument used to measure pain is a “dolorimeter”.

In a nod to astronauts, Texas is the only state that permits residents to cast absentee ballots from space.

Eleven top executives of the Direct Marketing Association (the telemarketers’ group that is trying to kill the federal “Do Not Call” list) have registered for the list themselves.

An iceberg the size of Long Island, New York, has broken off Antarctica and has blocked sea lanes used by both ships and penguins.

In 2003, the Transportation Security Administration dropped a requirement that air marshals pass a marksmanship test. Some applicants were even hired after they repeatedly shot flight attendants in mock hijacking episodes.

As of January 2004, the United States economy now borrows $1,500,000,000 each day from foreign investors.

A Costa Rican worker who makes baseballs earns about $2,750 annually. The average American pro baseball player earns $2,377,000 per year.

Former keyboard player for Jethro Tull David Palmer is now a woman named Dee Palmer. He waited until his wife died before going through with his longtime desire for a sex change.

During Bill Clinton’s entire eight year presidency, he only sent two e-mails. One was to John Glenn when he was aboard the space shuttle, and the other was a test of the e-mail system.

Albert Einstein never knew how to drive a car.

The UK’s best selling hiking magazine published faulty coordinates for descending Scotland’s tallest peak (Ben Nevis), and recommended a route that leads climbers off the edge of a cliff.

The Mars Rover “Spirit” is powered by six small motors the size of “C” batteries. It has a top speed of 0.1 mph.

Zeppo Marx (the unfunny one of the Marx Brothers) had a patent for a wristwatch with a heart monitor.

The entire town of Capena, Italy (including children as young as 2 years old) lights up cigarettes each year in honor of St. Anthony’s Day. This tradition is centuries old.

The Amish a diet high in meat, dairy, refined sugars and calories. Yet obesity is virtually unknown among them. The difference is since they have no TVs, cars or powered machines, they spend their time in manual labor.

Microsoft threatened 17 year old Mike Rowe with a lawsuit after the young man launched a website named MikeRoweSoft.com.

As of January 1, 2004, the population of the United States increases by one person every 12 seconds. There is a birth every eight seconds, an immigrant is added every 25 seconds, but a death every 13 seconds.

There is a Starbucks in Myungdong, South Korea that is five stories tall.

Astronauts cannot burp in space. There is no gravity to separate liquid from gas in their stomachs.

There has been no mail delivery in Canada on Saturday for the last thirty five years.

The weight of air in a milk glass is about the same as the weight of an aspirin tablet.

The world’s smallest winged insect is the Tanzanian parasitic wasp. It’s smaller than the eye of a housefly.

Two-thirds of the world’s eggplant is grown in New Jersey.

The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.

The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.

If you have three quarters, four dimes and four cents, you have $1.19. But you cannot make exact change for a dollar.

There are more plastic flamingoes in the United States than real ones.

The chance that you will die on the way to buy your lottery ticket is greater than the chance of you winning the big prize in most lotteries.

Winston Churchill was born in a ladies’ room during a dance.

Dolly Parton once lost a Dolly Parton Look-Alike contest.

An average of 100 people choke to death on ball point pens each year.

The National Anthem of Greece has 158 verses.

Barbie’s full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts.

The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute for blood plasma.

The highest point in Pennsylvania is lower than the lowest point in Colorado.

The Bible has been translated into Klingon.

Toto was paid $125 per week while filming the “Wizard of Oz”.

All polar bears are left handed.

Fidgeting can burn about 350 calories a day.

To help reduce budget deficits, several states have begun reducing the amount of food served to prison inmates. In Texas, the number of daily calories served to prisoners was cut by 300, saving the state $6,000,000 per year.

The only member of the band ZZ Top without a beard has the last name Beard.

Pope John Paul II is the world’s Scrabble champion in the over-70 category.

Montpelier, Vermont is the only state capitol without a McDonald’s.

Wearing headphones for an hour increases the bacteria in your ear 700 times.

In 1993, the board of governors at Carl Karcher Enterprises voted (5 to 2) to fire Carl Karcher. Carl Karcher is the founder of Carls Jr. restaurants.

The little hole in the sink that lets the water drain out, instead of flowing over the side, is called a “porcelator.”

The wingspan of a Boeing 747 jet is longer than the Wright Brothers’ first flight.

Ted Turner owns 5% of New Mexico.

Over 8 years, this happened 284 times: “Cosmo” Kramer went through Jerry Seinfeld’s apartment door.

The cruise liner Queen Elizabeth 2 moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel fuel that it burns.

There are more 100 dollar bills in Russia currently than there are in the United States.

It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky.

65% of Elvis impersonators are of Asian descent.

Burt Reynolds was originally cast to be Han Solo in the first Star Wars film. He dropped out before filming.

Pope John Paul II was named an “Honorary Harlem Globetrotter” in 2000.

There are only three types of snakes on the island of Tasmania and all three are deadly poisonous.

It is believed that Shakespeare was 46 around the time that the King James Version of the Bible was written. In Psalms 46, the 46th word from the first word is “shake” and the 46th word from the last word is “spear”.

If you stretch a standard Slinky out flat it measures 87 feet long.

The strength of early lasers was measured in Gillettes, the number of blue razor blades a given beam could puncture.

The drive-through line on opening day at the McDonald’s restaurant in Kuwait City, Kuwait was at times seven miles long.

Point Roberts in Washington State is cut off from the rest of the state by British Columbia, Canada. If you wish to travel from Point Roberts to the rest of the state or vice versa, you must pass through Canada, including both Canadian and U.S. customs.

The Pentagon in Washington, D. C. has five sides, five stories, and five acres in the middle.

Sylvia Miles had the shortest performance ever nominated for an Oscar with “Midnight Cowboy.” Her entire role lasted only six minutes.

There is an ATM at McMurdo Station in Antarctica, which has a winter population of 200.

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

Newborn babies are given to the wrong mother in the hospital 12 times a day worldwide.

The Starbucks at the highest elevation is on Main Street in Breckenridge, Colorado.

Each year, over 1,000,000 people fail to itemize out the mortgage interest deduction on their income taxes. Last year, this amounted to $473,000,000 in taxes.

In 1998, more fast-food employees were murdered on the job than police officers.

The lead singer of The Knack, famous for “My Sharona,” and Jack Kevorkian’s lead defense attorney are brothers, Doug and Jeffrey Feiger.

Two very popular and common objects have the same function, but one has thousands of moving parts, while the other has absolutely no moving parts – an hourglass and a sundial.

One out of three employees who received a promotion use a coffee mug with the company logo on it.

If you know a (male) millionaire who happens to be married, The most likely profession of his wife is a teacher.

An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.

1 pound of lemons contain more sugar than 1 pound of strawberries.

The “you are here” arrow on maps is called an ideo locator.

60% of all US potato products originate in Idaho.

61,000 people are airborne over the US at any given time.

A flamingo can eat only when its head is upside down.

Mark Twain was born on a day in 1835 when Halley’s Comet came into view. When he died in 1910, Halley’s Comet was in view again.

The Weddell seal can travel underwater for seven miles without surfacing for air.

In 1963, baseball pitcher Gaylord Perry remarked, “They’ll put a man on the moon before I hit a home run.” On July 20, 1969, a few hours after Neil Armstrong set foot on the moon, Gaylord Perry hit his first (and only) home run.

The longest words in the English language with only one syllable are the nine-letter “screeched” and “strengths”.

Pinocchio is Italian for “pine eye”.

All of the clocks in the movie “Pulp Fiction” read 4:20.

A female ferret will die if it goes into heat and cannot find a mate.

A baby is born without kneecaps. They appear between age 2 and 6.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

Al Capone’s business card said he was a used furniture dealer.

A snail can have about 25,000 teeth.

A snail can also sleep for three years.

A starfish can turn its stomach inside out.

A strand from the web of a golden spider is as strong as a steel wire of the same size.

A toothpick is the object most often choked on by Americans.

About a third of all Americans flush the toilet while they’re still sitting on it.

According to Genesis 1:20-22 the chicken came before the egg.

Soldiers from every country salute with their right hand.

The microwave oven was invented by mistake when an engineer testing a magnetron tube noticed that the radiation from it melted the chocolate bar he had in his pocket.

Moisture, not air, causes super glue to dry.

Only 14% of Americans say they’ve skinny dipped with the opposite sex.

“60 Minutes” on CBS is the only TV show to not have a theme song or music.

Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of their birthplace.

Most boat owners name their boats. The most popular boat name requested is Obsession.

100% of all lottery winners gain weight.

An average American will spend an average of 6 months during his lifetime waiting at red lights.

The Olympic flag’s colors are always red, black, blue, green and yellow rings on a field of white. This is because at least one of those colors appears on the flag of every nation on the planet.

Cats can hear ultrasound.

In a recent survey, Americans revealed that banana was their favorite smell.

In all three Godfather films, when you see oranges, there is a death (or a very close call) coming up soon.

The arteries and veins surrounding the brain stem called the “circle of Willis” looks like a stick person with a large head.

Brushing your teeth regularly has been shown to prevent heart disease.

If you were to spell out numbers, you would you have to go until 1,000 until you would find the letter “A”.

23% of employees say they have had sex in the office.

Bullet proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser printers were all invented by women.

Married men change their underwear twice as often as single men.

A kiss stimulates 29 muscles and chemicals causing relaxation. Women seem to like it light and frequent, men like it more strenuous.

There are more collect calls on Father’s Day than any other day of the year.

Mel Blanc (voice of Bugs Bunny) was allergic to carrots.

40% of all people who come to a party in your home snoop in your medicine cabinet.

3.9% of all women surveyed say they never wear underwear.

Superman is featured on every episode of “Seinfeld”, either by name or pictures on Jerry’s refrigerator.

85% of the men who cheat on their wives die while having sex.

Men can read smaller print than women; women can hear better.

Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than for the US Treasury.

American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served first class.

Percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28

Percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38

Percentage of American men who say they would marry the same woman if they had it to do all over again: 80

Percentage of American women who say they would marry the same man: 50

Percentage of men who say they are happier after their divorce or separation: 58

Percentage of women who say they are happier: 85

Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches

Percentage of bird species that are monogamous: 90

Percentage of mammal species that are monogamous: 3

Chances that a burglary in the United States will be solved: 1 in 7

One third of the land in the United States is owned by the government.

The hummingbird is the only bird that can fly backwards.

Antarctica is the only continent without reptiles or snakes.

An eagle can kill a young deer and fly away with it.

In the Caribbean there are oysters that can climb trees.

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

The world’s youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.

When George Lucas was mixing the American Graffiti soundtrack, he numbered the reels of film starting with an R and numbered the dialog starting with a D. Sound designer Walter Murch asked George for Reel 2, Dialog 2 by saying “R2D2”. George liked the way that sounded so much he integrated that into another project he was working on.

The youngest pope was 11 years old.

Mark Twain didn’t graduate from elementary school.

Proportional to their weight, men are stronger than horses.

Pilgrims ate popcorn at the first Thanksgiving dinner.

Your nose and ears never stop growing.

They have square watermelons in Japan – they stack better.

Iceland consumes more Coca-Cola per capita than any other nation.

Heinz Catsup leaving the bottle travels at 25 miles per year.

It is possible to lead a cow upstairs but not downstairs.

Men get hiccups more often than women.

Armadillos can be housebroken.

Human teeth are almost as hard as rocks.

The first Fords had engines made by Dodge.

A mole can dig a tunnel 300 feet long in just one night.

Peanuts are one of the ingredients in dynamite.

Ancient Egyptians slept on pillows made of stone.

A hippo can open its mouth wide enough to fit a 4 foot tall child inside.

A quarter has 119 grooves on its edge, a dime has one less groove.

A hummingbird weighs less than a penny.

Until 1796, there was a state in the United States called Franklin. Today it is known as Tennessee.

The flashing warning light on the cylindrical Capitol Records tower spells out HOLLYWOOD in Morse code.

Every time you lick a stamp, you’re consuming 1/10 of a calorie.

The average person has over 1,460 dreams a year.

One in every 4 Americans has appeared on television.

The average American will eat about 11.9 pounds of cereal per year.

Human thigh bones are stronger than concrete.

Over 1,000 birds a year die from smashing into windows.

The State of Florida is bigger than England.

Ants stretch when they wake up in the morning.

It’s against the law to have a pet dog in Iceland.

Your heart beats over 100,000 times a day.

Thomas Edison, light bulb inventor, was afraid of the dark.

During your lifetime, you’ll eat about 60,000 pounds of food. That’s the weight of about 6 elephants.

Some ribbon worms will eat themselves if they can’t find any food.

Dolphins sleep with one eye open.

The world’s oldest piece of chewing gum is 9000 years old.

In space, astronauts cannot cry, because there is no gravity, so the tears can’t flow.

About 3000 years ago, most Egyptians died by the time they were 30.

More people use blue toothbrushes than red ones.

A sneeze travels out your mouth at over 100 m.p.h.

Your ribs move about 5 million times a year, every time you breathe.

In the White House, there are 13,092 knives, forks and spoons.

Slugs have 4 noses.

Recycling one glass jar saves enough energy to watch TV for 3 hours.

Lightning strikes about 6,000 times per minute on this planet.

Owls are the only birds who can see the color blue.

The average American drinks about 600 sodas a year.

It’s against the law to slam your car door in Switzerland.

There wasn’t a single pony in the Pony Express, just horses.

Honeybees have hair on their eyes.

A jellyfish is 95 percent water.

In Bangladesh, kids as young as 15 can be jailed for cheating on their finals.

A company in Taiwan makes dinnerware out of wheat, so you can eat your plate.

The elephant is the only mammal that can’t jump.

The penguin is the only bird who can swim, but not fly.

The most common name in the world is Mohammed.

Q is the only letter in the alphabet that does not appear in the name of any of the United States.

One quarter of the bones in your body are in your feet.

America once issued a 5-cent bill.

You’ll eat about 35,000 cookies in your lifetime.

Like fingerprints, everyone’s tongue print is different.

Babe Ruth wore a cabbage leaf under is cap to keep him cool. He changed it every 2 innings.

Fortune cookies were actually invented in America, in 1918, by Charles Jung.

A man named Charles Osborne had the hiccups for 69 years.

A giraffe can clean its ears with its 21-inch tongue.

Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying.

The pitches that Babe Ruth hit for his last-ever homerun and that Joe DiMaggio hit for his first-ever homerun where thrown by the same man.

Bats always turn left when exiting a cave.

The praying mantis is the only insect that can turn its head.

In Tokyo, they sell toupees for dogs.

There are over 52.6 million dogs in the U.S.

Dogs and cats consume almost $7 billion worth of pet food a year.

Fingernails grow nearly 4 times faster than toenails.

Baby robins eat 14 feet of earthworms every day.

The Pentagon has twice as many restrooms as necessary. When it was built, segregation was still in place in Virginia, so separate restrooms for blacks and whites were required by law.

In England, in the 1880’s, “Pants” was considered a dirty word.

Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.

In 2003, there were 86 days of below-freezing weather in Hell, Michigan.

The average person laughs 15 times a day.

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