We love the british!

May 9, 2008 at 6:44 pm (Fun For The Day, Totally Random) (, , )

BRITISH NEWSPAPERS

Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, “We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It’s possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house.”
(The Daily Telegraph)

Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her underwear. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend.
(The Manchester Evening News)

Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It’s a Special Branch vehicle and they don’t want the public to know what it looks like.
(The Guardian)

A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard spokesman commented, “This sort of thing is all too common”.
(The Times)

At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coast guard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn’t have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff.
(Aberdeen Evening Express)

Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled –
“He’d always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out ‘Heil Hitler.'”
(Bournemouth Evening Echo)

HEARD ON THE LONDON UNDERGOUND TUBE

A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers…

1) “Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you’re all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you’ll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction.”

2) “Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I’ll let you know any further information as soon as I’m given any.”

3) “Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Barking and East Ham, which means we probably won’t reach our destination.”

4) “Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let’s take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now…. ‘Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall…..’.”

5) “We are now travelling through Baker Street… As you can see, Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don’t think about things like that”.

6) “Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me.”

7) During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: “Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman… unfortunately, towels are not provided.”

8) “Let the passengers off the train FIRST!” (Pause ) “Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care – I’m going home….”

9) “Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with ‘Please hold the doors open.’ The two are distinct and separate instructions.”

10) “Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors.”

11) “We can’t move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door.”

12) “To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage — what part of ‘stand clear of the doors’ don’t you understand?”

13) “Please move all baggage away from the doors.” (Pause..) “Please move ALL belongings away from the doors.” (Pause…) “This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your arse sideways!”

14) “May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it’s only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage.”

_________________________________________

for more fun please visit-www.begent.org

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60 Ways to get kicked out of Walmart

May 4, 2008 at 2:21 am (Fun For The Day) (, , )

1. Set all the alarm clocks to go off in 10-minute intervals
2. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, “Code 3 in housewares,…”and see what happens.
3. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M’s on lay away.
4.Find one of the workers who is making a pyramid or a display of something and as soon as they are finished with it, ask for the thing that’s on the bottom and have a panic attack until they give it to you.
5. Get on the loud speaker and declare a “Going Out of Business Sale, All Items 99% Off”
6. Buy a $200 item and pay for it all in pennies. Lose count at least two times.
7. Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the theme from ‘Mission Impossible’.
8. Move a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.
9. Sit down and relax on the patio furniture until they kick you out
10. Set up a tent in the camping department
11. Look right into the security camera, use it as a mirror and pick your nose.
12. Take pictures of absolutely everything.
13. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask ‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?
14. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say “PICK ME! PICK ME!”
17. See what you can “catch” by casting fishing poles into different isles.
18. Play football and see how many people you can get to join in.
19. Play soccer using the whole store as your field
20. Try on bras over your clothes in the middle of the store.
21. Try to get people to race you across the store.
22. Sit on the floor and watch T.V. in the electronics department.
23. Pretend to speak a different language and see how many weird looks you get
24. Superglue quarters to the floor and count how many people try to pick them up
25. Switch all the radios to strange stations suck as polka or Mexican rap and turn the volume all the way up.
26. Fill up carts and just leave them around the store.
27. When someone is behind you in a narrow aisle, walk very slowly, humming to yourself.
28. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and pretend to be superman.
30. Walk up to random strangers and say “I haven’t seen you in so long!” etc.
31. Do the same thing, except ask for their autograph.
32. Play Red Rover with other customers. Except don’t tell them that they’re playing.
33. Test brushes and combs
34. Take up an entire toy aisle with a G.I. Joe vs. Rescue Heroes battle of epic proportions.
35. Take bets on the battle.
36. Have sword fights with tubes of wrapping paper.
37. Follow people.
38. Play with the price scanners.
39. Spray air-freshener everywhere.
40. Play with the automatic doors.
41. Make a pillow fort.
43. Shopping cart races. Enough said.
44. Crawl into gym bags and laundry hampers.
48. “Re-alphabetize” the CD’s

49. “Re-alphabetize” the books.
50. When someone steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.
51. Running around the store screaming walmart sucks, walmart sucks let’s go to target!
52. Buy a candybar. Eat it. Get back in line. Buy another candy bar. Eat it. Get back in line. Repeat until you get bored.
53. Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines, relax and if the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don’t get out much, ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.
57. Spill clear soap down an aisle.
58. Talk to the lady at the cash register for a whole 20 minutes about unicorns.
59. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream.”NO! NO! It’s those voices again!!!!”
60.Pretend to be a monkey and get on all fours screaming “Oo-oo-aaa-aa!” And attack whoever buys bananas.
-Big thanks to Sarah E. for sending me these great ideas for you all. so now you can also get kicked out of Walmart.

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Bulletin Bloopers

March 21, 2008 at 12:36 am (Fun For The Day) (, , )

* Don’t let worry kill you. Let the Church help.
* Thursday night-Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
* Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
* For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
* The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
* This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
* Tuesday at 4PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
* Wednesday, the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing “Put Me In My Little Bed” accompanied by the pastor.
* Thursday at 5PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the minister in his private study.
* This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
* The service will close with “Little Drops of Water”. One of the ladies will start (quietly) and the rest of the congregation will join in.
* Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.
* The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.
* A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
* At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is Hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.
* Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
* The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
* Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
* 8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
* Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
* The Senior Choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
* Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan who is preparing for the girth of their first child.
* Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
* The Lutheran Men’s group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.
* The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: “I Upped My Pledge–Up Yours.”
* The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing “Break Forth into Joy.”
* Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say “hell” to someone who doesn’t care much about you.
* Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
* During the absence of our Pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.
* Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person(s) you want remembered.
* Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.
* The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.
* Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 pm.–prayer and medication to follow.

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Age is a Funny Thing

March 20, 2008 at 3:47 am (Fun For The Day) (, , )

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we’re kids?
If you’re less than 10 years old, you’re so excited about aging that you think in fractions.
“How old are you?”
“I’m 4 and half.”

You’re never 36 and a half, but you’re 4 and a half going on 5! That’s the key.
You get into your teens, now they can’t hold you back. You jump to the next number.
“How old are you?”
“I’m gonna be 16.”

You could be 12, but you’re gonna be 16.
And then the greatest day of your life happens: you become 21.
Even the words sounds like a ceremony–you BECOME 21. YES!!!!
But then you turn 30. Ooohhh, what happened here?? Makes you sound like bad milk. He TURNED.
We had to throw him out. There’s no fun now. What’s wrong?? What changed???
You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you’re PUSHING 40…stay over there, it’s all slipping away…
You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, you’re PUSHING 40, you REACH 50…my dreams are gone…
You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, you’re PUSHING 40, you REACH 50 and then
you MAKE IT to 60…Whew! I didn’t think I’d make it.
You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, You’re PUSHING 40, you REACH 50, you MAKE IT to 60, and
by then you’ve built up so much speed, you HIT 70!
After that, it’s a day by day thing. You HIT Wednesday, you get into your 80s, you HIT lunch.
I mean my grandmother won’t even buy green bananas, “Well it’s an investment, you know, and maybe a bad one.”
And it doesn’t end there…Into the 90’s, you start going backwards: I was JUST 92. Then a strange thing happens, if you make it over 100, you become a little kid again: I’m 100 and a half!!
Age is a funny thing.

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Age

March 20, 2008 at 3:47 am (Fun For The Day) (, , )

Age

A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.

Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one that will get you home earlier.

You know you’re into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.

I don’t date women my age. There aren’t any. (Milton Berle)

Don’t worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.

Don’t take life so seriously … it’s not permanent.

The trouble with life is, by the time you can read a girl like a book, your library card has expired. (M. Berle)

As for me, except for an occasional heart attack, I feel as young as I ever did. (Robert Benchley)

The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.

As we grow older year by year, my husband always mourns: the less and less we feel our oats, the more we feel our corns.

I have everything I had 20 years ago, only it’s all a little bit lower. (Gypsy Rose Lee)

You’re getting old when getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.

You’re getting old when you’re sitting in a rocker and you can’t get it started.

You’re getting old when tying one on means fastening your MedicAlert bracelet.

You’re getting old when you don’t care where your wife goes, just so you don’t have to go along.

You’re getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn’t do anything the night before.

Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news– the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.

It’s hard to be nostalgic when you can’t remember anything.

You know you’re getting old when you stop buying green bananas.

Last Will and Testament: Being of sound mind, I spent all my money.

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Actual Newspaper Headlines.

March 20, 2008 at 3:46 am (Fun For The Day) (, , )

newspaper.jpg

  • British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
  • Eye Drops off Shelf
  • Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
  • Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
  • Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
  • Miners Refuse to Work after Death
  • Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
  • Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
  • Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
  • Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
  • Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in `84
  • If Strike isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
  • Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
  • Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
  • Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
  • Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
  • Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
  • New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
  • Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
  • Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
  • British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
  • Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
  • Air Head Fired
  • Steals Clock, Faces Time
  • Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
  • Man Loses Legs, Vows to Continue Arms Protest

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A Wife’s Promise

March 20, 2008 at 3:45 am (Fun For The Day) (, , )

Once upon a time, there was an old man who worked all his life and saved all his money. He was a miser, he lived like a pauper, he hardly had food, but he loved his money more than just about anything else in the world.Just before he died, he said to his wife, “When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I need my money in the afterlife. Can you promise me that you’ll do that?”

His wife was faithful, so she promised him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all his money in the casket.

When the old man died his wife gave him a proper funeral. He was laid out in a beautiful casket and his faithful wife was in the front row at the funeral parlor dressed in black, sitting beside her best friend. When the ceremony ended, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife rose from her seat and said, “Wait just a minute!”

With that, she placed a box inside the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket and rolled it away.

The friend grabbed the wife by the arm and said, “Girl, I know you weren’t fool enough to put all that money in the casket with that man, were you?’

The wife said to her friend, “Listen, I am a Christian woman and I can never lie. I promised him that I was going to put the money in his casket with him and I did.”

The friend was horrified and asked, “You mean to tell me that you put all that money in the casket with that man?”

The wife replied, “I sure did…I wrote him a check.”

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A Wife!

March 20, 2008 at 3:45 am (Fun For The Day) (, , )

n Sunday School, they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam’s ribs.Later in the week, his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, “Johnny what is the matter?”

Little Johnny responded, “I have a pain in my side. I think I’m going to have a wife.”

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A Mother’s Stress

March 20, 2008 at 3:44 am (Fun For The Day) (, , )

A cartoon showed a psychologist talking to his patient: “Let’s see,” he said, “You spend 50 percent of your energy on your job, 50 percent on your husband and 50 percent on your children. I think I see your problem.”

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A Mother’s Rest

March 20, 2008 at 3:44 am (Fun For The Day) (, , )

A four-year-old and a six-year-old presented their Mom with a house plant. They had used their own money and she was thrilled. The older of them said with a sad face, “There was a bouquet that we wanted to give you at the flower shop. It was real pretty, but it was too expensive. It had a ribbon on it that said, ‘Rest In Peace,’ and we thought it would be just perfect since you are always asking for a little peace so that you can rest.”

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