One copycat of the real four-leaf clover is Pepperwort, which is also known as Marsilea Quadrifolia and Water Clover. It produces four leaves naturally. Another copycat of the real four-leaf clover is Oxalis also known as Oxalis deppei or Oxalis tetraphylla. This plant also produces four leaves naturally.
The real four-leaf clover is from the White […]
Fun Facts #5
Health Effects of Stress
Stress is a part of life. You can’t completely eliminate stress. All you can do is lessen it. There are ten known main stressors that can affect every one of us, particularly when we least expect them. These top ten stressors are, in no particular order: death in the family, illness, upcoming marriage, new baby, […]
Breast Cancer Facts
The American Cancer Society says that each year, approximately 200,000 women in the U.S. alone are diagnosed with breast cancer. Every woman is at risk for developing breast cancer, says Debbie Saslow, Director of Breast and Gynecological Research, whether or not they have a history of breast cancer in the family. Below facts will give you […]
Asthma Facts
Asthma is a lung disease found in children and adults alike. One of the common triggers of asthma attacks is allergy. Learn about allergic reaction, the types of allergy that can aggravate asthma, and how to avoid them.
Stress in Teens
Teenagers face many situations that give them a lot of stress. If they cannot manage their stress, they will show behavior that will further complicate their problems. Unmanaged stress leads to anxiety, withdrawal, aggression, and physical illness. Some teenagers get involve in alcohol and drugs in order to cope with stress. Such poor coping skills […]
Tooth Whitening Tips
Tooth whitening is a booming industry in the field of cosmetic dentistry, as more and more people are seeking treatment for teeth discoloration. If you are interested, you should know the facts about tooth whitening and what options are available.
Multi Level Marketing mlm
Multi Level Marketing, also know as network marketing, is regarded by most as a way of earning money without much hassle. No gruesome job interviews, no college diplomas needed and no endless hours of working for minimum pay. All you need to have is the desire to be the best and maybe have the ability […]
Acne Facts
Acne is a common affliction that usually plagues teenagers. They may outgrow it and the disease might vanish as they mature. Acne is usually caused by abnormalities in the hormonal levels of young people. It can be hereditary also and maybe a parent or both suffered from acne too.
Whatever the causes are, acne remains a […]
Affiliate Marketing Basics
A new wave of marketing is on the rise because of ubiquity of the Internet. This new method of marketing is called affiliate marketing and from the term itself, we can surmise the two most important elements involved: the merchants and the affiliates.
Firstly, we should clearly define what affiliate marketing is. Affiliate marketing is also […]
Skin Aging Prevention
Can aging really be prevented? Can you really do without the help of the many natural anti-aging supplements on the market and still look young and beautiful? Well, the answer is yes (although those products sure don’t hurt!) It is possible to prevent aging with excellent results. If you want beautiful skin, you have to […]
Fun Facts #4
Weird ways west
An California-bound airline in 1849!? Don’t laugh; it almost happened. Rufus Porter, founder of Scientific American, planned to fly 49ers west on propeller-driven balloons powered by steam engines. He went to far as to advertise the expedition, and 200 brave souls signed up for the trip. But the “airline” never got off the ground.
Then there was the “wind wagon,” sort of a cross between a sailboat and a wagon. It seemed like a good idea on paper; after all, it can be very windy in the West. A prototype was built and for a brief moment it barreled across the plains at the advertised 15 miles-per-hour. Then it went out of control and crashed. The inventor–Wind-wagon Thomas–kept trying for years, but never succeeded.
Others took a more low-tech approach, making the trip with only a simple wheelbarrow. It’s hard to imagine pushing a fully-loaded wheelbarrow for 2,000 miles, but several dozen attempted the trip. For a time, they could outpace everything on the Trail, but human endurance has its limits. No one is quite sure if any of them made it all the way with their wheelbarrows.
Why all the weird contraptions? Everyone was in a big hurry to get west–to strike it rich.
Would you spend $100 for a glass of water? Some 49ers on the California Trail did.
Because of poor planning, many western-bound 49ers were unprepared for the hot, dry deserts of Nevada. A few sharp businessmen in California knew this and took advantage of the situation. They traveled eastward with barrels of water. Extremely thirsty, many 49ers paid $1, $5, even $100 for a glass of precious water.
But water was not the only expensive item on the Oregon-California Trail. For example, at the start of the journey, flour could be purchased for $4.00 a barrel, but further along the price rose to a sky-high $1.00 per pint. Other staples could also be quite expensive:
·Sugar $1.50 per pint
·Coffee $1.00 per pint
·Liquor $4.00 per pint
Surprisingly, there were other staples that were amazingly cheap. For example, at Ft. Laramie, bacon could be had for a penny per pound. Those who had excess bacon often considered it worthless and dumped it by the side of the road. One emigrant reported seeing ten tons on one pile.
Why the wide disparity in prices? The basic laws of supply and demand were at work. Most wagon trains took too much bacon and so it had little trading value. Water, on the other hand was in short supply and thus commanded a high price.
Traffic on the Trail
Bumper-to-bumper highway congestion isn’t just a modern phenomena. Rush hour traffic on the Oregon-California trail was just as bad–probably worse.
The image of a lone wagon on the endless prairie is largely myth; it’s more accurate to imagine a moving city. Many reported seeing wagons all the way to the horizon day after day.
And just like today’s highways, there was quite a bit of jockeying for position. The goal was to get in front of the pack because anyone who was behind had to eat the billowing dust kicked up by the wagons ahead. Competition was fierce; those in the back often had to put on goggles just to see.
The crowded conditions got even worse in the evening when the wagons came together to camp. Many 49ers discovered that previous wagon trains had overgrazed the prairie, and so there was no remaining grass for the oxen and mules to graze. So it was not uncommon for 49ers to venture miles off the trail in the evening in search of grass for their animals.
A more serious consequence of all this crowding was poor sanitation. Each new wagon train dug their latrines near the previous group’s–and there was often leakage into the water supply. The result was illness and death.
Not every 49er used the Oregon -California Trail. There were other routes to gold country–one came perilously close to Antarctica!
Those who did not want to endure a four month walk across the west, traveled to California by ship. Trouble was, there was no direct water route to the west coast. So a ship leaving New York had to travel all the way to the tip of South America–skirting the edge of the the Antarctic continent–before heading north to California. It was a difficult trip that sometimes took a complete year.
So it was inevitable that several shortcuts were developed for the gold-crazed 49ers who were in a big hurry to get west. The most popular cutoff involved taking a ship to the Isthmus of Panama, then trekking overland to the Pacific side (remember, there was no Panama Canal then) where another ship would pick them up–hopefully.
When the 49ers got to the Pacific side, they waited and waited for weeks, or even months. When a ship finally did arrive, passage might cost $500 or $1000, and sometimes there was no space at any price.
Even worse, many of the Pacific-side ships were unseaworthy and sank en route. In the end, many regretted not taking the overland route.
Imagine the sunburn you’d get from being outside from sunup to sundown every day for six months. No sunblock. No lotion. That was reality for the California-bound 49ers–most wound up with leathery, sunbaked skin. But that was just the beginning.
Imagine sweating profusely in 90 degree heat day after day–but never taking a bath or shower. That too was typical of life on the trail.
And remember, this was before the days of t-shirts and shorts. Women wore long dresses for the most part, and men wore long pants. And there wasn’t even much changing of clothes. They wore the same clothes day after day.
Could it get any worse? Yes. They often had no choice but to drink rancid water, which had the inevitable result: diarrhea. For many, it was a chronic condition.
All these factors combined to create some rather deplorable hygienic conditions. Even the native tribes were repulsed by the smell. The Native Americans, who bathed regularly, thought the emigrants were uncivilized because of their poor hygiene.
Fun Facts #3
- It is estimated that since 1972 some 16 million tons of aluminum cans have been recycled. These 785.6 billion aluminum cans placed end-to-end could stretch to the moon more than 249 times.
- In 1996, Americans recycled 62.8 billion beverage cans. The package reached a 63.5 percent recycling rate, a national recycling rate of two out of three cans.
- In 1972, 53 million pounds of aluminum cans were recycled. Today, we exceed that amount weekly.
- Some 119,482 cans are recycled every minute nationwide.
- According to the U.S. EPA, aluminum cans represent less than 1 percent (0.9 percent) of the nation’s solid waste stream.
- Used aluminum cans are recycled and returned to store shelves as new cans in as few as 60 days.
- The weight of aluminum cans recycled in 1996 was equal to the weight of 14 aircraft carriers — 983,709 tons.
- Recycling saves 95 percent of the energy required to make aluminum cans from virgin ore. In 1995, aluminum companies saved the equivalent of over 20.6 million barrels of oil — or 12.3 billion kilowatt hours by recycling. This represents enough energy to supply the electrical needs of a city the size of Pittsburgh for about six years.
- The aluminum industry operates a coast-to-coast network of 10,000 buy-back locations nationwide and cooperates with more than 7,945 cities and counties with municipal or curbside recycling programs. This infra-structure makes it easy for Americans to redeem their used aluminum beverage cans for cash.
- Aluminum cans have tremendous value. In 1996, Americans earned $1.08 billion by recycling aluminum cans. Since 1972, Americans have earned almost $8.9 billion by recycling aluminum cans.
Fun Facts #2
* Recycling one aluminum can saves enough energy to run a TV for three hours — or the equivalent of a half a gallon of gasoline.
* 350,000 aluminum cans are produced every minute!
* More aluminum goes into beverage cans than any other product
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* Once an aluminum can is recycled, it can be part of a new can within six weeks.
* Because so many of them are recycled, aluminum cans account for less than 1% of the total U.S. waste stream, according to EPA estimates.
* During the time it takes you to read this sentence, 50,000 12-ounce aluminum cans are made.
* An aluminum can that is thrown away will still be a can 500 years from now!
* There is no limit to the amount of times an aluminum can can be recycled.
* Aluminum can manufacturers have been making cans lighter — in 1972 each pound of aluminum produced 22 cans; today it yields 29 cans.
* We use over 80,000,000,000 aluminum pop cans every year.
* At one time, aluminum was more valuable than gold!
* A 60-watt light bulb can be run for over a day on the amount of energy saved by recycling 1 pound of steel. In one year in the United States, the recycling of steel saves enough energy to heat and light 18,000,000 homes!
* Every ton of recycled steel saves 2,500 pounds of iron ore, 1,000 of coal, and 40 pounds of limestone.
* To produce each week’s Sunday newspapers, 500,000 trees must be cut down.
*Recycling a single run of the Sunday New York Times would save 75,000 trees.
* If all our newspaper was recycled, we could save about 250,000,000 trees each year!
* If every American recycled just one-tenth of their newspapers, we would save about 25,000,000 trees a year.
* During World War II when raw materials were scarce, 33% of all paper was recycled. After the war, this number decreased sharply.
* If you had a 15-year-old tree and made it into paper grocery bags, you’d get about 700 of them. A supermarket could use all of them in under an hour! This means in one year, one supermarket goes through 60,500,000 paper bags! Imagine how many supermarkets there are in the U.S.!!!
* The average American uses seven trees a year in paper, wood, and other products made from trees. This amounts to about 2,000,000,000 trees per year!
* The amount of wood and paper we throw away each year is enough to heat 50,000,000 homes for 20 years.
* When you smell a dump, what you’re actually smelling is the paper in the dump!
* Approximately 1 billion trees worth of paper are thrown away every year in the U.S.
* Americans use 85,000,000 tons of paper a year; about 680 pounds per person.
* The average household throws away 13,000 separate pieces of paper each year. Most is packaging and junk mail.
* In 1993, U.S. paper recovery saved more than 90,000,000 cubic yards of landfill space.
* In 1993, nearly 36,000,000 tons of paper were recoverd in the U.S.–twice as much in 1980.
* 27% of the newspapers produced in America are recycled.
* Each ton (2000 pounds) of recycled paper can save 17 trees, 380 gallons of oil, three cubic yards of landfill space, 4000 kilowatts of energy, and 7000 gallons of water. This represents a 64% energy savings, a 58% water savings, and 60 pounds less of air pollution!
* The 17 trees saved (above) can absorb a total of 250 pounds of carbon dioxide from the air each year. Burning that same ton of paper would create 1500 pounds of carbon dioxide.
* The construction costs of a paper mill designed to use waste paper is 50 to 80% less than the cost of a mill using new pulp.
* Americans use 2,500,000 plastic bottles every hour! Most of them are thrown away!
* Plastic bags and other plastic garbage thrown into the ocean kill as many as 1,000,000 sea creatures every year!
* Americans throw away 25,000,000 plastic beverage bottles every hour!
* Recycling plastic saves twice as much energy as buring it in an incinerator.
* American throw away 25,000,000,000 styrofoam coffee cups every year.
* Every month, we throw out enough glass bottles and jars to fill up a giant skyscraper. All of these jars are recyclable!
* The energy saved from recycling one glass bottle can run a 100-watt light bulb for four hours. It also causes 20% less air pollution and 50% less water pollution than when a new bottle is made from raw materials.
* A modern glass bottle would take 4000 years or more to decompose — and even longer if it’s in the landfill.
* Mining and transporting raw materials for glass produces about 385 pounds of waste for every ton of glass that is made. If recycled glass is substituted for half of the raw materials, the waste is cut by more than 80%.
* Although 75% of our trash can be recycled, the EPA set a national goal of 25% for 1992.
* The first real recycling program was introduced in New York City in the 1890s. The city’s first recycling plant was built in 1898.
* By 1924, 83% of American cities were separating some trash items to be reused.
* About one-third of an average dump is made up of packaging material!
* Every year, each American throws out about 1,200 pounds of organic garbage that can be composted.
* New Jersey has the highest recycling rate of all the states–56%!
* The U.S. is the #1 trash-producing country in the world at 1,609 pounds per person per year. This means that 5% of the world’s people generate 40% of the world’s waste.
* This chart shows the composition of an average garbage dump. Notice how much of it is recyclable!!
* The highest point in Ohio is “Mount Rumpke,” which is actually a mountain of trash at the Rumpke sanitary landfill!
* The US population discards each year 16,000,000,000 diapers, 1,600,000,000 pens, 2,000,000,000 razor blades, 220,000,000 car tires, and enough aluminum to rebuild the US commercial air fleet four times over.
* Speaking of diapers, a cloth diaper washed at home costs 3¢ per use. A disposable diaper costs 22¢ per use. The difference can add up; a typical baby will use about 10,000 diapers!
* Between 5 and 15% of what we throw away contains hazardous substances.
* Out of ever $10 spent buying things, $1 (10%) goes for packaging that is thrown away. Packaging represents about 65% of household trash.
* On average, it costs $30 per ton to recycle trash, $50 to send it to the landfill, and $65 to $75 to incinerate it.
* Americans generate and throw away 9 times as much waste as does a person in Africa or Central America, but we also generate two to three times the amount of waste as people living in industrial countries with a comparable or better standard of living as us.
* More than 20,000,000 Hershey’s Kisses are wrapped each day, using 133 square miles of tinfoil. All that foil is recyclable, but not many people realize it.
* Every week about 20 species of plants and animals become extinct!
* McDonald’s saves 68,000,000 pounds of packaging per year just by pumping soft drink syrup directly from the delivery truck into tanks in the restaurant, instead of shipping the syrup in cardboard boxes!
* The largest environmental organization in the world is the National Wildlife Federation. It has 5,600,000 members!
* Rainforests are being cut down at the rate of 100 acres per minute!
* One-third of the water used in most homes is flushed down the toilet.
* A single quart of motor oil, if disposed of improperly, can contaminate up to 2,000,000 gallons of fresh water.
* You can walk 1 mile along an average highway in the United States and see about 1,457 pieces of litter.
* The Washington, DC-based Institute For Local Self-Reliance calculates that recycling creates 36 jobs per 10,000 tons of material recycled compared to 6 jobs for every 10,000 of tons brought to traditional disposal facilities.
* A typical family consumes 182 gallons of pop, 29 gallons of juice, 104 gallons of milk, and 26 gallons of bottled water a year. That’s a lot of containers — make sure they’re recycled!
Dog Diary vs. Cat Diary
The Dog’s Diary
8:00 am – Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am – A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am – A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am – Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm – Milk bones! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm – Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm – Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm – Dinner! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm – Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm – Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm – Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
The Cat’s Diary
Day 983 of My Captivity
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.
The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates my capabilities. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a “good little hunter” I am. Bastards!
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of “allergies.” I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released, and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird must be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now …
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Top 100 things i’d do if i became a evil overlord
- My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear Plexiglas visors, not face concealing ones.
- My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
- My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell in my dungeon.
- Shooting is not too good for my enemies.
- The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragon of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.
- I will not gloat over my enemies predicament before killing them.
- When I’ve captured my adversary and he says, “Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?” I’ll say, “No.” and shoot him. No, on second thought, I’ll shoot him and then say “No.”
- After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks’ time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.
- I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled, “Danger: Don Not Push”. The big red button marked “Do Not Push” will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will clearly not be labelled as such.
- I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum – a small hotel room well outside my border will work just as well.
- I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
- One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.
- All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least several round of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.
- The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.
- I will never employ any device with a digital count-down. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable. I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.
- I will never utter the sentence “But before I kill you, there’s just one thing I want to know.”
- When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.
- I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would prove a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.
- I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero’s rugged countenance and she’d betray her own father.
- Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it’s too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.
- I will hire a fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legion of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman foot soldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.
- No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.
- I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way — even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless — my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.
- I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strength and weaknesses. Even though this takes some fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line “No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!” (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)
- No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible spot.
- No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive which is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bed chamber.
- I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.
- My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.
- I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.
- All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.
- All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcements and/or romantic sub-plot for the hero or his side-kick.
- I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.
- I won’t require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.
- I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.
- I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.
- I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.
- If my trusted lieutenant tell me my Legion of Terror is losing a battle, I will believe him.. After all, he’s my trusted lieutenant.
- If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.
- If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.
- I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable super-weapon, I will use it early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.
- Once my power is secure, I will destroy all of those pesky time travel devices.
- When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys that happens to follow him around.
- I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans.
- I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.
- I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him and say “And here is the price for failure.” then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.
- If an advisor says to me “My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?”, I will reply “This.” and kill the advisor.
- If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.
- I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.
- If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all of my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.
- My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh powerbooks.
- If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions of the beautiful princess’ cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people oriented position.
- I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.
- If the beautiful princess that I capture says “I’ll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!”, I will say “Oh well” and kill her.
- I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.
- The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in my Legion of Terror. However before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention.
- My Legion of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.
- Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owners manual.
- If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner.
- I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.
- My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: This also applies to passwords.
- If my advisors ask “Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?” I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them.
- I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight.
- Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of this nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.
- I will see a compentant psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be disadvantageous.
- If I must have a computer system with publicly available terminals, the maps they display will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.
- My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints and then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system.
- No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency.
- I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they’d better save my life again.
- All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild.
- When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner.
- If I decide to test a lieutenant’s loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.
- If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon, instead of using my unstoppable super weapon on them.
- I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win.
- When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk “Project Overlord” and leave it lying on top of my desk.
- I will instruct my Legion of Terror to attack the heroes en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time.
- If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)
- If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutenant, I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer.
- I will not tell my Legion of Terror “And he must be taken alive-” the command will be “And try to take him alive if it is reasonable practical.”
- If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into limited edition commemorative coins.
- If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress.
- If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.
- I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerously unbalanced structure.
- If I’m eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.
- I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex.
- I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. “Align the 12 stones of power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse.” Instead it will be more alone the lines of “Push the button/”
- I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded.
- My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.
- If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to do the task again.
- After I capture the hero’s super weapon, I will not disband legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him.
- I will not design my main control room so that every workstation is facing away from the door.
- I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important.
- If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead, I will say that his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)
- If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and the underling who failed or betrayed me, I will die first.
- When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.
- My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cell mate tells the guard it’s an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening the cell for a look.
- My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa.
- My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unraveled.
- If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However, if circumstances have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each other’ lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.
- Any data files of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb.
- Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free, unlimited internet access
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For more fun please visit-http://www.proft.org
funny homeless people
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for more fun pics please visit—fundivision.net
We love the british!
BRITISH NEWSPAPERS
Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, “We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It’s possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house.”
(The Daily Telegraph)
Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her underwear. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend.
(The Manchester Evening News)
Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It’s a Special Branch vehicle and they don’t want the public to know what it looks like.
(The Guardian)
A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard spokesman commented, “This sort of thing is all too common”.
(The Times)
At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coast guard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn’t have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff.
(Aberdeen Evening Express)
Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled –
“He’d always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out ‘Heil Hitler.'”
(Bournemouth Evening Echo)
HEARD ON THE LONDON UNDERGOUND TUBE
A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers…
1) “Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you’re all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you’ll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction.”
2) “Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I’ll let you know any further information as soon as I’m given any.”
3) “Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Barking and East Ham, which means we probably won’t reach our destination.”
4) “Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let’s take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now…. ‘Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall…..’.”
5) “We are now travelling through Baker Street… As you can see, Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don’t think about things like that”.
6) “Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me.”
7) During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: “Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman… unfortunately, towels are not provided.”
8) “Let the passengers off the train FIRST!” (Pause ) “Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care – I’m going home….”
9) “Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with ‘Please hold the doors open.’ The two are distinct and separate instructions.”
10) “Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors.”
11) “We can’t move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door.”
12) “To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage — what part of ‘stand clear of the doors’ don’t you understand?”
13) “Please move all baggage away from the doors.” (Pause..) “Please move ALL belongings away from the doors.” (Pause…) “This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your arse sideways!”
14) “May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it’s only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage.”
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for more fun please visit-www.begent.org
A chemist walks into a pharmacy and says, “Do you have any acetylsalicylic acid?” The pharmacist asks, “You mean aspirin?” “That’s it, I can never remember the word.”
“Doctor, there is a man here who thinks he’s invisible.” The doctor says, “Tell him I can’t see him!”
There are only two things that are certain in this life – Death and Taxes. Unless you are wealthy – then there are Monaco and Cryogenics. (thanks to Omz)
There was a girl I dated in high school whose name was Becky, but everyone called her “Lincoln” because all the guys took a shot at her in the balcony.
Why isn’t palindrome spelled the same way backwards?
A man accidentally cut off all of his fingers with a saw. The doctor said, “Thank goodness for microsurgery. Give me the fingers, and I’ll sew them back on!” The man said, “I couldn’t pick them up!”
I’m a pessimistic optimist. I expect the worst – that way things can only get better. (thanks to Rickster)
I’m right 98% of the time. Who cares about the other 3%? (thanks to Chris)
Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics. (thanks to Chris)
Ninety two percent of cross-eyed teachers have difficulty controlling their pupils. (thanks to Donna Reade)
I tried to build a dog house, but I only had enough dogs to build 3 walls. (thanks to Bennett)
How do you write zero in Roman numerals? (thanks to Evets)
If blind people wear dark glasses, why don’t deaf people wear earmuffs? (thanks to Evets)
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra? (thanks to Evets)
I got tired of treasure hunting, so I sat down on a big chest on top of a giant “X”. (thanks to Kyle)
How many weeks are there in a light year? (thanks to Evets)
A policeman pulled me over and said, “Do you know why I pulled you over?” I said, “You should really ask a psychic!” (thanks to Nguyen Matos)
Light travels faster than sound, that’s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. (thanks to Evets)
How does a bass player make his car go faster? He takes the Domino’s Pizza sign off the top. (thanks to Jen’fer)
Proofread carefully to see if you any words out. (thanks to Evets)
The things that come to those who wait are actually the things that were left by those who got there first! (thanks to Evets)
Can bald people get a hairline fracture? (thanks to Charley)
Mistakes are made from time to time. Without them, some of us would have never been born! (thanks to Levi)
If you get mono twice, isn’t that stereo? (thanks to Charley)
“Doctor, I have a memory problem!” The doctor says, “When did it start?” “When did what start?”
My frosted flakes melted in the summer. (thanks to Nguyen Matos)
I slept through the alarm this morning. Good thing it was only a small fire. (thanks to Charley)
A cheetah clone was found slain at the city zoo. Police suspect a copycat killer. (thanks to Gary)
I know what people are thinking as soon as I tell them that I’m psyhic. (thanks to Hop)
If we ever figure out how to preserve people, we’ll really be in a jam. (thanks to Hop)
Doctor: “I have good news and bad news.” Patient: “What’s the good news?” Doctor: “You have 24 hours to live.” Patient: “What’s the bad news?” Doctor: “I should have called you yesterday!” (thanks to Sarah)
If you’re on a cruise, you’re with newlyweds, over-feds and nearly deads! (thanks to Jaime)
How many men does it take to open a beer? None, it should be open when she brings it to you. (thanks to Shane)
Patient: “Doc, you have to help me. Some days I think I’m Mickey Mouse, some days I think I’m Donald Duck” Doctor: “How long have you had these Disney spells?”
I’m a big sports fan. I keep the athletes cool while they’re playing. (thanks to Kyle)
Did you hear about the two maggots making love in dead Earnest? (thanks to PapaDog65)
Are crop circles the work of a cereal killer? (thanks to Evets)
Another way to say “water” is H2O. It sounds fancy, but it’s just h, i, j, k, l, m, n and o. (thanks to Charlie Mickle)
If vampires have no reflection, how do they have such neat hair? (thanks to Evets)
I have three beautiful children. I have four children, but only three are beautiful. (thanks to Victor)
My friend is dieting. He says weight gain is due to water retention. My weight gain is due to ice cream retention. (thanks to Charley)
Donald Rumsfeld briefed President Bush this morning. He told Bush that three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq today. The color ran from Bush’s face, and he was visibly shaken. Bush composed himself and asked Rumsfeld, “Just exactly how many is a brazillion?” (thanks to George C)
Poland’s worst air disaster occurred today when a small two-seat Cessna crashed into a cemetery. Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 826 bodies so far and expect that number to increase as digging continues into the night. (thanks to Jim Johnson)
It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in laboratory rats. (thanks to Evets)
How do you fix a woman’s watch? You don’t, there is a clock on the oven. (thanks to Shane)
“Doctor, I think I’m a bell.” The doctor says, “Take these pills, if they don’t work, give me a ring.”
Two fish are in a tank. One says the other, “How do you drive this thing?” (thanks to Gary)
My car’s brakes aren’t working, so I bought an anchor. (thanks to Kyle)
A cemetery raised its costs, but blamed it on the cost of living. (thanks to Evets)
I saw a homeless person getting off a bus, and I thought, “How does he know which stop is his?” (thanks to Charley)
I’m determined to only have three kids because I have heard that one out of every four kids born in the world is Chinese.
The last thing I need to worry about is my anxiety disorder. (thanks to Patrick)
A man was examined at a hospital and was awaiting the results. The doctor comes in and says, “I have bad news. You’re going to die in 10.” The panic-striken man says, “10 what? Years? Months? Weeks?” The doctor says, “9 – 8 – 7 – 6….” (thanks to Ben)
I may look stupid, but it’s hereditary. (thanks to Gregory Sawler)
My new workout plan is working! I’m benching 310 now. Or maybe 3:15 – whenever the weights are free. (thanks to Charley)
“Did your deaf aunt make it to her hearing?” “No, she was impaired!” (thanks to Kevin Beaudoin)
Last time my wife gave me a foot massage, my back ended up smelling funny. (thanks to Charley)
I woke up this morning and felt so bad that I tried to kill myself by taking 1,000 aspirin. After the first two, I felt better!
Are children who act in R-rated movies allowed to see them? (thanks to Shane)
Police recently arrested a man who was selling pills that would give you eternal youth. Police discovered that it was the fourth time this man was arrested. The earlier arrests were made in 1799, 1852 and 1921. (thanks to LarryNewParts)
How do they get the “Keep off the grass” sign on the grass? (thanks to Victor)
Silence is golden, but duct tape is silver. (thanks to Travis)
When French people swear, do they say “Pardon my English”? (thanks to Shane)
“Doctor, I think I’m a deck of cards!” The doctor says, “Sit in the waiting room, I’ll deal with you later.”
I ran five miles today. Finally, I had to say, “OK Lady, here’s your purse back.” (thanks to Charley)
A buddhist monk walks up to a hot dog vendor and asks, “Make me one with everything!” (thanks to Steve)
Overweight is something that just snacks up on you. (thanks to Cid)
Doctor to patient: “I’d tell you what your condition is, but I’m not sure how to pronounce it!”
When someone hits you in the face, turn the other cheek. That way the swelling is even! (thanks to Charley)
I went to a ballet once. I couldn’t even tell who won. (thanks to LarryNewParts)
There are 3 essential tools: duct tape, WD40 and a hammer. If something is moving and it shouldn’t be, duct tape it. If it isn’t moving and it should be, use WD40. If it still doesn’t move, hit it with a hammer. If it breaks, tape it back together with the duct tape.
Patient: “Doctor, something is wrong! I’m shrinking!” Doctor: “Now, now – you’ll have to be a little patient!”
I went to Wal-Mart to get a wall, but they were all out. (thanks to Schmidty)
A little boy examines his privates while in the bath. “Mommy, are these my brains?” His mother says, “Not yet.” (thanks to Scott Rogers)
Saturn is the richest planet, you can tell by all the rings. (thanks to Schmidty)
I joined a secret club; the guy at the door asked me, “What’s the password?” I told him, “Aren’t you supposed to know that?” (thanks to Kyle)
How can you tell which bottle has the PMS medicine? It’s the one with the teeth marks. (thanks to Victor)
Life begins when you’re born, and ends with an E. (thanks to Kyle)
I had to catch a train, so I got a really big mitt. (thanks to Kyle)
I have a Master’s Degree in Engineering. I told the owner I’ll return in in two days. (thanks to Kyle)
Willie Nelson got hit by a car yesterday. He was playing “On the Road Again”. (thanks to Jessica)
Two buckets of vomit were walking down the street. One says to the other, “That’s where I was brought up!” (thanks to Piemann)
How do you get Keith Richards out of a tree? Ask him for his autograph. (thanks to Ward)
How do you find an Irish pirate? He’s the one with patches over both eyes. (thanks to James)
A woman discovers an intruder in the kitchen eating the leftover steak and kidney pie. The husband asks, “Should I call the police or an ambulance?” (thanks to James)
Did you hear about the doctor who fell into a well? He learned to tend to the sick, and leave the well alone!
What does Snoop Dogg use to color his hair? Ble-Otch. (thanks to Madge)
Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? Fo’ drizzle. (thanks to Gary)
A man waited two months to have an appointment with his doctor. The doctor says, “I wish you had seen me sooner!”
Have you heard that priests can kiss the nuns now? It’s okay as long as they don’t get in the habit. (thanks to Shar)
What sound does a cat make when it’s on fire? Whooosh! (thanks to Jake M.)
What’s big, gray and can’t climb trees? A parking lot. (thanks to Mike O’Rourke)
Did you hear about the man who fell into the reupholstery machine? He’s fully recovered now.
I sat in line at the drive through window. The plump employee opens the window and says, “Sorry about the weight!” (thanks to Gregory Sawler)
My wife and I were told we couldn’t have children – by our landlord.
To work at Starbucks, should you have graduated Magna Cum Latte? (thanks to Charley)
Man: “Doctor, I think I’m a dog.” Psychiatrist: “Mmmm. Interesting. Please lie down on the couch.” Man: “I’m not allowed on the couch!”
I videotape my children a lot – because I think they’re stealing from us.
Never moon a werewolf. (thanks to LarryNewParts)
You really have to hand it to blind prostitutes!
Why can’t a pony sing? Because it’s a little horse. (thanks to Joey)
What do you get when you bake beans and onions together? Tear gas. (thanks to Trent)
A blind man was calling an end to his relationship with his girlfriend. “I’m sorry, I can’t see you anymore.” (thanks to Gerry)
Can cross-eyed teachers control their pupils? (thanks to Sullikr)
What goes around a button? A billy goat. (thanks to Dermy)
Is Visine.com a site for sore eyes? (thanks to Jesterr)
I’ve told you a million times not to exaggerate! (thanks to Sam Hight)
One time when my son was 3 years old, I took him shopping. When we got home, he had a candy bar in his pocket. I didn’t buy it, and he certainly didn’t buy it, so we marched back to the mall – and we went to the jewelry store.
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
In high school, my school team was the “Fighting Indians”. The mascot would dance around before each game. All of our games were rained out.
Don’t go knocking on heaven’s door. Ring the doorbell and run, he hates that! (thanks to Brett Jones)
How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? It’s not hard. (thanks to Jake M.)
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.
I love kids! Let’s exchange recipes. (thanks to Brandi)
In high school, I was in the French club. All we would do is occasionally surrender to the German club.
A cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.
When I was younger, I used to play doctor with this girl in my neighborhood. We got caught, but I’m lucky it was on a Wednesday. We were just playing golf.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.
Are board games supposed to make you bored? (thanks to Matt)
If you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
The things that come to those who wait are the things left by those who got there first.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button.
The way to a man’s heart is to saw his breastplate open. (thanks to Evets)
Why shouldn’t you play poker in the savannah? There might be a cheetah. (thanks to Gary)
I’m wondering if you’re only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?
Duct tape is like “the force”. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together. (thanks to Travis)
I’m usually interested in going home before I get to where I’m going.
I’m awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.
Lead me not into temptation. I can find it myself.
To err is human, to moo bovine. (thanks to Evets)
You can say anything foolish to a dog and the dog will give you a look that says, “My God! You’re right! I would have never thought of that!” (thanks to Evets)
Good guys are like public bathrooms, either full of crap or taken.
I like my women how I like my coffee, hot, strong and on the kitchen table.
Animal testing is a bad idea. They get all the answers wrong. (thanks to Evets)
I used to be an atheist, but then I realized I’m God.
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
I’m a drunk, not an alcoholic. I don’t go to those meetings.
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
I’m not a member of any organized political party, I’m a Democrat.
A picture is worth 500 to 1500 words depending on how good looking you are.
If bald people get hit on the head, do they get hairline fractures?
Don’t look at me with that tone of voice.
It is easier to fight for principles than to live up to them.
Men are like parking spaces – the good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped.
I am having an out of money experience.
Smoking is a dying art.
You never know what real happiness is until you get married, and then it is too late.
Death is hereditary.
The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
What would you say if Jesus sneezed in front of you?
Two dogs are walking down the street, one says, “Wait a minute” and then crosses the road. He sniffs around a fire hydrant and returns. The other dog says, “What was that all about?” The first dog replies, “Just checking my messages!”
I don’t believe in spanking my kids. I find that waving the gun around accomplishes the same thing.
If at first you don’t succeed, call it version 1.0!
Can you play sole music with a shoe horn? (thanks to Charley)
Jesus saves. Moses invests.
Can a match box? No, but a tin can. (thanks to Jordan)
Math illiteracy affects 7 out of every 5 people.
I wasn’t the class clown in school. I was the class trapeze artist.
I bought a wastebasket the other day and carried it home in a paper bag. When I got home, I put the paper bag in the wastebasket.
Money flies when you’re having fun. (thanks to Victor)
Resistance is futile (if < 1 ohm).
If money doesn’t grow on trees, why do banks have branches? (thanks to Shane)
My wife said to bring the magic back in our relationship. So I disappeared! (thanks to Charley)
Men are like roses – watch out for the pricks!
I have CDO. It’s like Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, but in alphabetical order as it should be. (thanks to Jake)
Can you find buck teeth at the dollar store? (thanks to Charley)
I know a guy who has a new book coming out. It’s one of those self-help books. It’s called “How To Get Along With Everybody.” I read it and it works! He wrote it with some other stupid jerk.
I had such a terrible childhood, I always wanted to stick my head in an Easy-Bake oven.
The optometrist who got caught in the lens grinder made a spectacle of himself. (thanks to Shane)
It’s always darkest before dawn. If you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.
That guy is so vain – he won’t wear her glasses, but needs them to drive, so he got a prescription windshield.
Two parrots sat on a perch. One said to the other, “Do you smell fish?”
In football, why does the running back run forward? (thanks to Shane)
You read about all these terrorists – most of them came here legally, but they hung around on expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now compare that to Blockbuster; if you are two days late with a video, those people are all over you. We should put Blockbuster in charge of Immigration and Homeland Security.
A woman longed for the pitter-patter of little feet, so she got a dog. It was cheaper, and she got more feet.
If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: “take two aspirin” and “keep away from children.”
God created man. Then God said, “I can do better”. Then he created woman. (thanks to Amanda)
The constipated composer couldn’t finish his last movement. (thanks to Shane)
I know a guy who can’t hold his liquor during the winter months. It’s probably the mittens.
My wife and I divorced over religious differences. She thought she was God, and I didn’t.
I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
What’s the difference between one yard and two yards? A fence. (thanks to Shane)
What did the drummer get on his IQ test? Drool. (thanks to Atom)
Obey gravity! It’s the law.
Do pyromaniacs wear blazers? (thanks to Shane)
I had a conversation with a guy who could talk your arm off, but he was trying to pull my leg. (thanks to Hop)
Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.
In football, why does the running back run forward? (thanks to Shane)
If you don’t pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed? (thanks to Shane)
An old person is like a Slinky: Not really good for anything, but you still can’t help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Did you hear about the butcher who backed into the meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work.
If you were under house arrest, but lived in a mobile home – you could still go wherever you wanted. (thanks to Shane)
They say a smile is a gift which is free to the giver and precious to the recipient. But giving the finger is free, too, and I find it much more personal and sincere.
There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that understand binary, and those that don’t.
“Doc, I can’t stop singing ‘The Green, Green Grass of Home.'” “That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.” “Is it common?” The doctor says, “It’s Not Unusual.”
Mario Andretti recently retired from race car driving. That’s a good thing, because he’s getting old. He ran his entire last race with his left blinker on.
My father taught me to swim the hard way – he threw me out into the middle of a lake! Learning to swim that way wasn’t easy, but the really hard part was getting out of the burlap bag!
There was a doctor, a lawyer and an HMO director at the pearly gates. St. Peter says to the doctor,”You can go on in.” The lawyer steps up, and St. Peter says, “You can go in on a trial basis.” The HMO director is next in line, and St. Peter says, “You can enter, but only for 3 days.”
This greasy spoon restaurant was so bad, on the menu there were even flies in the pictures.
Bill Clinton liked Monica’s dress from the moment he spotted it.
For God’s sake, why are you hanging around with athiests? (thanks to Dick)
I met a woman named “Viamonte”. I said, “You don’t hear that name every day!” She said, “Well, actually, I do.” (thanks to Charley)
A woman got into her car and discovered that the steering wheel was gone, the radio was gone, the accelerator and brake pedals were gone. She was just about to report it to the police when she discovered she was in the back seat.
It’s hell to get old. A man said, “Windy, isn’t it?” “No,” another woman replied, “It’s Thursday.” An old man chimed in, “So am I. Let’s go get a Coke.”
Did you hear about the giant who threw up? It’s all over town.
Why did the mushroom go to the party? Because he was a fun guy. Why did he leave the party? Because there wasn’t mushroom!
How do you circumcise a whale? You send down four skin divers.
What is brown and lives in a bell tower? The lunch bag of Notre Dame.
What do you call twin babies waiting to be born? Wombmates. (thanks to Tom)
Why do fire departments have Dalmatians? So they can find the hydrants.
Do midgets get paid under the table? (thanks to Charley)
I recently took up meditation. It beats sitting around doing nothing.
Would lactose-intolerant people go to the Non-Dairy Queen? (thanks to Charley)
The meek may inherit the earth, but they’ll be too humble to accept it. (thanks to Matt)
A doctor says to a patient, “I’ve got good news and bad news. The bad news is I amputated the wrong leg. The good news is your bad leg is getting better!”
I almost fell in love with a psychic, but she left me before we met.
I used to sell “No Soliciting” signs door to door. (thanks to Charley)
If you are choking on an ice cube, don’t panic! Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.
The Invisible Man married the Invisible Woman, but their kids aren’t much to look at.
God was talking to one of the angels, and said, “I’ve just created this spinning earth, which creates, in a 24 hour period, alternating light and darkness!” The angel said, “What are you going to do now?” God said, “I think I’m going to call it a day.”
She was only the Stableman’s daughter, but all the horse manure.
One cannibal says to another, “I hate my mother-in-law.”
Would a police van filled with prisoners that collides with a cement truck result in hardened criminals? (thanks to Charley)
The other cannibal passed his mother in the woods.
There is a new wing in the Denver hospital named after famous skier Picabo Street. It’s the Picabo ICU.
If you wear a “Guess” shirt, is the answer on the back of the shirt? (thanks to Charley)
A woman came in last in the 100 yard breaststroke at the local swim meet. She later complained, “The other girls were using their hands!”
My grandfather is hard of hearing. He needs to read lips. I don’t mind him reading lips, but he uses a yellow highlighter.
Two men were walking on the railroad tracks. One says to the other, “This is the longest stairway I’ve ever seen!” The other guy says, “Yeah, and these low handrails are killing my back.”
I traded in my wife’s piano for a clarinet. You can’t sing while playing a clarinet.
A guy escapes from prison and goes home. His wife says, “Where have you been? You escaped eight hours ago!”
He got a BMW because he wanted a car he could spell.
There was a ship that ran aground; it was filled with red paint. The crew was marooned!
All the toilets were stolen out of the police station. The police have nothing to go on.
What is green and skates? Peggy Phlegm.
What did the arts graduate say to the business graduate? “Do you want fries with that?”
Two guys went fishing, and found an excellent spot. One guy has a bright idea and marks the spot by painting an X on the bottom of the boat. The other guy says, “You’re stupid. What if we come back and don’t get the same boat?”
There was a cowboy dressed completely in brown paper. He was arrested for rustling.
Two cows were talking to one another in Washington. One says to the other, “What do you think about this mad cow disease?” The other cow says, “What do I care, I’m a helicopter!”
I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo, and I’m thinking, okay, here’s a gal who’s capable of making a decision she’ll regret in the future.
If a man is in the forest and there is no woman around, is he still wrong?
I bought a box of animal crackers and it said on it “Do not eat if seal is broken.” So I opened up the box, and sure enough…
I went on a fishing trip, but only caught three fish. I figure the fish cost me about $400 each. It’s a good thing I didn’t catch more, I couldn’t afford them.
A guy says to a dentist, “$90 to pull a tooth? That’s only about one minute’s work!” The dentist says, “I can make it last longer if you’d like.”
A nun says to Mother Superior, “There’s a case of syphilis in the convent!” Mother Superior says, “That’s great, I was getting tired of the Chablis.”
I dated a lawyer until she said, “Stop, and/or I’ll slap your face!”
A man thinks he’ll be charitable and says to a homeless man, “Paint my porch out back, and I’ll give you $100”. Later in the day, the homeless guy knocks on the door and says, “I’m all done. By the way, it’s a Mercedes.”
There is a sale in the men’s department. All pants are half off.
What did Ray Charles say when someone gave him a cheese grater? “This is the most violent book I have ever read!”
A man goes to a doctor and says, “Doctor, I swallowed a pool ball!” The doctor says, “I’m sorry, you’ll have to get back to the end of the queue.” (thanks to Erica)
Why does a drummer keep his drumsticks on the dashboard? So he can park in the handicapped spots. (thanks to Evets)
There was a knock on the door, and I answered it, but all that was there was a snail. I picked it up and threw it into the street. Two weeks later, another knock on the door. I opened the door and it was the snail again. The snail says, “What was that all about?”
A lawyer meets the devil. The devil says, “I will give you countless riches now if you give me your eternal soul and the souls of all your family.” The lawyer says, “What’s the catch?”
Why do women have smaller feet than men? So they can stand closer to the sink.
There are no Wal-Marts in Iraq. They’re all Targets.
A woman says to a man, “Make me feel like a real woman.” The man says, “Here, iron this.”
The first restaurant on the moon isn’t doing very well. It’s got great food, but no atmosphere.
If a woman gets married, she gets a new name and a dress.
When you’ve seen one shopping center, you’ve seen a mall.
I am a kleptomaniac, but when it gets really bad I take something for it.
Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn’t much but the reception was great.
Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says “I’ve lost my electron.” The other says “Are you sure?” The first replies, “I’m positive.”
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, “My dog is cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for him?” The vet says, “Well, let’s have a look at him.” So the vet picks the dog up while examining his eyes. Finally he says “I’m going to have to put him down.” “What? Just because he’s cross-eyed?” “No, because he’s really, really heavy.”
90% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house. 10% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Two salesmen are at another salesman’s funeral. One says to the other, “What did he have?” The other salesman says “California, Oregon and Washington”.
A will is a dead giveaway.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
There’s two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither one works.
Man to Veterinarian: “Every time a bell rings, my dog goes into the corner.” Vet: “That’s OK, he’s a boxer.”
I’m not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.
I’m in shape. Round is a shape.
A couple is lying in bed. Man: “I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.” Woman: “I’ll miss you.”
One of my friends watches a boxing match and says “Sure. Ten million dollars. You know, for that kind of money, I’d fight him.” As if someone is going to pay $200 a ticket to see a 57-year-old accountant get hit in the face once and cry.
At a nudist colony for intellectuals in England: Two old men are sitting on the front porch. One turns to the other and says, “I say, old boy, have you read Marx?” The other says, “Yes, it’s these wicker chairs.”
Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
I’ve always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
Ever notice when you blow in a dog’s face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
Anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac.
I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.
They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn’t your biggest problem.
“Dad, can you do my homework for me?” “No, I’m sorry, it just wouldn’t be right.” “Well, maybe not, but give it a try anyway!”
Two peanuts were walking down a spooky road at night. One was assaulted.
If you don’t pay your exorcist, you may get repossessed.
What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? Polaroids.
2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
Does fuzzy logic tickle?
24 hours in a day…24 beers in a case…coincidence?
Why shouldn’t you make an atheist mad? Because he might burn a question mark on your front lawn.
If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
All computers wait at the same speed.
How many quarters does it take to play the new Lord of the Rings pinball game? None. It only takes Tolkiens.
Smash forehead on keyboard to continue…..
Cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Why don’t blind people like to skydive? Because it scares the dog.
Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
Tell me what you need, I’ll tell you how to get along without it.
It is better to have loved and lost than to listen to “Lost In Love” by Air Supply.
Someday, we’ll all look back on this and plow into a parked car.
Jesus saves. He uses double coupons.
Why are there so many Johnsons in the phone book? They all have phones.
A very religious man fell into the quicksand. Firefighters come by and offer to help, but he says, “No, God will help me.” Next come the police, they offer to help. Again the man says, “No, God will help me.” He then sinks in the quicksand to his death. In heaven, he asks God why he didn’t save him. God says, “What about the firemen and police I sent?” (thanks to Patrick)
A drummer walks into a music store and says, “I’ll buy that accordion over there.” The cashier says, “You must be a drummer. That’s the radiator.” (thanks to Atom)
The optimist says the glass is half full. The pessimist says the glass is half empty. The engineer says the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
Two old ladies are in a restaurant. One complains, “You know, the food here is just terrible.” The other shakes her head and adds, “And such small portions.”
Why does a Pilgrim’s pants always fall down? Because they wear their belt buckle on their hat!
A man’s house was on fire. He decided he would call the fire department. He got on the phone with the Fire Chief. The man was very frantic. The man said, “Chief, you have to get over here, my house is on fire!” The Chief said, “Calm down, how do we get to your house?” The man said, “Don’t you have those big red trucks anymore?”
Why don’t they take coffee breaks in Poland? It takes too long to retrain them.
A blonde wanted to apply for job as a detective. She went into the station to apply, and the sergeant said, “I will need to ask you a few questions.” “What is 2+2?” The blonde said, “4.” “What color is the sky?” The blonde answered, “Blue.” “Who shot Lincoln?” The blonde said, “I don’t know.” The officer said, “When you find out come back and tell me.” So the blonde went home. Her roommate asked her if she got the job. She said, “As a matter of fact I did, and they put me on a case already!”
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Wise Words and Quotes
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
A gentle answer turns away wrath, but harsh words stir up anger.
– Proverbs 15:1
A good deal of trouble has been caused in the world by too much intelligence and too little wisdom.
A happy person is not a person in a certain set of circumstances but rather a person with a certain set of attitudes.
– Hugh Downs
A man has three names: the name he inherits, the name his parents give him, and the name he makes for himself.
A man who wants to lead the orchestra must turn his back on the crowd.
A pint of example is worth a gallon of advice.
A reputation may be repaired, but people always keep their eyes on the place where the crack is.
A rock pile ceases to be a rock pile the moment a single man contemplates it, bearing within him the image of a cathedral.
– Antoine de Saint-Exupéry
A sharp tongue sometimes cuts its own throat.
– Jim Scancarelli
A singer starts by having his instrument as a gift from God. When you have been given something in a moment of grace, it is sacrilegious to be greedy.
– Marian Anderson
A smile is the lighting system of the face and the heating system of the heart.
A teacher affects eternity; he can never tell where his influence stops.
– Henry B. Adams
A winner is someone who recognizes his God-given talents, works his tail off to develop them into skills and uses these skills to accomplish his goals.
– Larry Bird
A wise man among the ignorant is as a beautiful girl in the company of blind men.
– Saadi
Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.
– Satchel Paige
Amateurs wait for inspiration. The rest of us just get up and go to work.
– Chuck Close
An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made, in a very narrow field.
– Niels Bohr
And in the end it’s not the years in your life that count. It’s the life in your years.
– Abraham Lincoln
Art washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life.
– Pablo Picasso
As for me, all I know is that I know nothing.
– Socrates
At its core, bravado is insecure, jealous and self-protecting. Legitimate talent recognizes its own innate riches and does not object to sharing.
– adapted from a quote by Alexander Solzhenitsyn
Be less curious about people and more curious about ideas.
– Marie Curie
Be more concerned with your character than your reputation, because your character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what others think you are.
– John Wooden
Be silent or let thy words be worth more than silence.
– Pythagoras
Beauty addresses itself chiefly to sight, but there is a beauty for the hearing too, as in certain combinations so words and in all kinds of music; for melodies and cadences are beautiful; and minds that lift themselves above the realm of sense to a higher order are aware of beauty in the conduct of life, in actions, in character, in the pursuits of the intellect; and there is the beauty of the virtues.
– Plotinus
Behold the turtle. He makes progress only when he sticks his neck out.
– James B. Conant
Being defeated is often a temporary condition. Giving up is what makes it permanent.
– Marilyn Vos Savant
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